Monday, December 31, 2012

My Single Word for 2012.

Don't get me wrong.  There was lots to be joyful and thankful for in 2012.  Having a healthy full term baby was a dream come true after 4 months on bed rest.  We are all lucky to have our health and no real unexpected drama this year.  We both still have our jobs, a roof over our head, and some money in the bank account.

In the big picture it was an excellent year.  Still, even with everything I have to be appreciative for the word  that I just can't get out of my head though when I think of the last year...


I try as I might, and am thankful for everything but still come back to that word to describe 2012.

I feel bad that is what I think of 2012.  I feel guilty that I am feeling sorry for myself or that I am being lazy.  I don't even know why I am so exhausted or have been for the majority of the year.

True sleep was low on the list in 2012.  I started the year in the last two months of bed rest and very pregnant.  Anyone who has been very pregnant knows that you are not getting good sleep.  Between going to the bathroom every several hours, sleeping with twenty pillows, and then you are blessed with strange hormonal insomnia.

Well then we had a newborn, and a toddler that went through major sleep regression.  Even when I got one child to sleep the other one was awake and visa versa.  It was a real shocker with the second child that you couldn't nap when the baby napped because there is the other child to take care of.   I would say that since T's birth that I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a row (in almost a year).

Still I didn't sleep that much when I was in school, or doing my emergency shifts.  I sure didn't sleep when K was in the NICU or for months after she got home.  Thus I don't think this year has been that sleep deprived in the grand scheme of all my sleep deprived years.  I have wondered if it was just the accumulation of years upon years of not sleeping very well, or what I could handle when I was younger just seems to take its toll harder now.

I have worked hard, pumped, and tried to work out as much as possible.  I try to be a good mom, a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  I am very far from perfect, but I did try.  But my level of trying I still am not sure why the utter exhaustion.  These are not new things for me, the exhaustion is.  And nutritionally I am pretty reasonable, I drink a ton of liquids (mostly water, gatorade, and tea), I have little to no caffeine.  I take a multivitamin, b-vitamins, omega 3, vitamin D.  I eat a good variety and almost all home-made food.  I still need to eat more fruits and veggies and less sugar (but come on who doesn't).

Of course I have thought of medical reasons, maybe my thyroid is out of whack.  Maybe I am depressed.  Maybe there is a hormonal reason.  Maybe there is something else wrong that I don't know about.  Being that I am not my own doctor, I don't know.  Sadly I have felt that I don't have any time to go to the doctor, and that my general practitioner will blow me off for coming in and saying that I am overly exhausted.

There is its, I have no solid reason for it.  But last year I was exhausted.  This makes my goal 2013 easy, "Be Less Exhausted."  Said out loud it sounds a little pitiful, but I like to think realistic.  I am not so optimistic that I think I should not be exhausted at all, but less so than this year.  Maybe do a few more things to investigate this whole thing.

Happy New Year and here is a toast to energy in the new year!

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