First the cat. More specific my cat, Ragu. Seen in the picture taken a few weeks ago when I found him in Kate's crib (we keep the door closed when she is in there). He has been with me since I was a junior in college. My first pet on my own, adopted from a local shelter. He has survived several apartments, roommates, my undergraduate studies, my veterinary studies and from dating to marriage. He is a constant garden companion and currently curled up next to me.
He is old, 17 years old in fact. And up until the last year or so looking like a 5 year old. I knew better though, and have been following his blood work since he was 12 years old. He has a very common condition in older cats called chronic renal failure. I have done everything that I prescribed for my other patients. If the diagnosis is early it is a slow gradual disease. Unfortunately he has recently take a turn for the worse. Not eating, hiding in the garden with flies all over him not really responding.
I've pulled him through it right now, but I don't know how much longer he has. I have this conversation with pet owners every week. How will you know when it is time? This conversation is much harder when I am the pet owner and nobody is there to have the conversation with me. Much harder when it is my friend and constant companion.
Obviously though, much of his situation is out of my control.
Between this fun, of course there is the constant monitoring of cervical length. I almost can not even bring myself to talk about it anymore. Last weeks measurement was a little bit less than the week before. The doctor said it was fine. This throws me into a five day panic, in true chicken little style ("The sky is falling!!! The sky is falling!!!). Fast forward to Monday and I go in on emergency basis because I feel different pelvic pressure. Three ultrasounds later, to determine I have not shortened anymore (I am at 3.9 -4.0 cm), but have I do have a partial placental previa.
To say its complicated is an understatement. Multiple doctors, multiple ultrasounds and lots of questions and not many answers. Some say cerclage and move on. Others say do nothing. For now we are waiting and checking in another week.
Again I realize and repeat often, that this is out of my control. That doesn't mean that I don't do anything, but it means that I can't worry myself silly, I can't solve this. No matter how much control I try to bring to the situation with anxiety, fear and detailed questions in the end my body is more in control than I am.
These are hard lessons to work on. I know I will be working on them for the rest of my life. What my daughter wants to choose as her college major-- out of my control. When family members have health problems or even pass away-- out of my control. When natural disaster strike-- out of my control.
The only thing I can control is how I react to these situations. And for now chicken little is not helping (she didn't help in the original story much either). I am not void of emotion, I am pregnant still but for me I really have to take it each day as it comes. I don't know what the next day will bring (hmm, also out of my control), so for now I think I will pet an old friend with my feet up and just keep trying to enjoy today.