Saturday, January 28, 2012

Its not all Rainbows and Unicorns, but still good.

The great news is I am still pregnant! Hard to believe but true and slowly closing in on that golden "full term" of 37 weeks. I will be 37 weeks via ultrasound and our dates on Tuesday, but not until Friday according to the doctors via their dates on things. By next Saturday, a week from now I will be full term... I hope, pray and really, really, wish that we make it there.

As far as the Rainbows and Unicorns, well it is real life here. We have a toddler with stomach flu, and a uterus that is pretty much angry all the time and a body that is tired. I am very excited underneath it all but man these contractions have gotten old.

It always surprises people when I say, "I had a hard night of contractions". They look confused, or startled. Then sometimes they say nothing, or they ask blankly, you have contractions? I discuss my medications I can take and general stuff. But of course I am thinking, of course I have contractions, why else would I have been home from work since 23 weeks and spend the majority of my days on the couch.

I know everybody has different reasons for being on bedrest, and there are people out there that have minimal issues. The process though typically doesn't put healthy people without issues on home confinement, and then being on such rest makes your body have issues too. Of course, they have medications to help ease the discomfort and stop the contractions but they aren't exactly perfect and really in my humble opinion have almost worse side effects then the contractions.

For me, I have gotten used to some patterns of predictability with the contractions. They are always worse in the early evening to evening, this is due to hormone levels and the end of a day being tired. They are worse with dehydration, gi upset or high blood sugar. They are worse in certain positions. Of course the further along I've gotten the more intense they've become.

The part that is unpredictable is the days it will occur, I may have 3 days without them and then have two days where they are unbearable. I've gotten good at medicating, and other things that will ease them. Now that I am further out, I at least don't panic all night and have all the stress that I had between weeks 23 and 34. I don't call the doctor very often, more just ride them out now. But, never knowing if you will or won't be in pain for a good part of your day is hard.

I am pretty hard to read as a person too. Though I tend to be very emotional, when it comes to a variety of things, to make it weird I also have an odd way of also covering up how I am feeling (when I figure that one out, I'll let you know). Part of it is the doctor training, you can't break down in front of people and people also don't like to see their veterinarian fall apart in a crisis. Oh, yeah spending 3 months in an intensive care unit with your child makes you a bit hard too. So I suck it up, and do what needs to get done. I guess this would be why people don't always know I am contracting, or how painful some days are.

This was a long day, a more cheerful post will be coming. I know it will be, because I get my last shot at the doctor on Tuesday and we are coming to the end. Soon I will not have to worry about contractions, blood sugars, pain and calling the doctor. I will make it to full term with a happy healthy baby girl, and all these hours on the couch and stressful nights will be worth it.

Every winter ends, that is the beauty of life and the coming of spring.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

35 weeks and moving on...

I sit here at 35 weeks. I have been cleared to deliver at the local hospital which is just a few blocks from our house. I still have two more injections to go, and about 2 1/2 weeks until the cerclage is removed. And of course, we could be looking at anywhere between 2 to 5 weeks before this baby comes but all I can say is we are moving on.

Well, okay I'll be honest. I am still waiting a bit for the other shoe to drop. I can't seem to remove the preemie clothes from the new babies dresser (what if she is really small?). I will not feel full term until I hit that 37 week mark, and I know other mothers don't want to hear it but you really want to get to 39 weeks (

Oh yeah, there is also the lamp thing. I decorated a lamp for Kate's room, I just painted the base and then added some ribbon to the shade. It was the last thing I did for her room before I left, delivered her across the state and came back 3 1/2 months later. I bought a boring lamp awhile back for the new baby's room. I can not bring myself to decorate that lamp, I am just going to wait until 37 weeks. Watch, I'll be contracting and trying to decorate a lamp shade.

Such a surreal feeling, like sitting on the edge of something. Not wanting to jump, not wanting to not jump and scared all the same. Thankful for everyday, trying not to rush things but feeling like your late for something too.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

34 weeks and counting...SUCK, SWALLOW and BREATH.

I couldn't remember for the life of me why I had 34 weeks as a mini goal of mine. It was circled in red with other random dates (Christmas, 28 weeks, so on). But, why 34 weeks? I kept thinking it was something and I am sure it made since at the time. Then I remembered at 5 am after tossing and turning, ITS WHEN THEY DEVELOP THE ABILITY TO SUCK AND SWALLOW! I remember waiting and waiting for that week in the NICU. It was when they would finally start letting you try to feed your baby by mouth.

After weeks of waiting, in our case 9 weeks you finally get to do something that feels normal. Unfortunately its short lived for some of us, because its not that easy. Who knew? Those preemies like to go apenic (temporally stop breathing) when they are learning how to take a bottle. There you sit with this fragile little baby hooked up to a loud, and flashing machine (ECG, capnea, pulse ox) and you are trying to give them the tiniest bottle maybe an ounce and they are trying to suck on it and then they freeze up and go blue. Monitors, go crazy, nurses rush in and you feel a bit shell shocked.

Knowing it one of the only things that has holding you back from going home, it is enough to crush you. I remember it as being a point that I didn't think I could keep going. Kate after doing great for a day even with some apenic moments and then she just stopped. Didn't want to take a bottle anymore, much less on a rigid NICU every 3 hours schedule. Oh, I felt such despair.

We eventually figured it out with thickeners, a different type of nipple, and changing her reflux medications. And we made it home in a little over a week then. Unfortunately I had didn't realize that I would spend the next year fighting her to take bottle, attempt to breast feed. Even at 2 1/2 I have to work daily to get her to eat enough, and also to swallow her food.

And yet, I couldn't remember why I wanted to get past this period of time in my pregnancy. Well hopefully we can just hold on and get there. My bottom-line fantasy is still just to have a healthy baby, then I hope for maybe not needing any medical intervention for that baby and lastly though I still have the daydream that this baby is able to nurse right from the get go. Having faced disappointment before though I am careful to not get too invested in this daydream.
How else are we doing? Well, baby sister frenzy has occurred around here. Constantly patting my 'tum-tum' and talking to baby sister. Yesterday was a hour long conversation about what baby sister would like to do with her, and who was going to take momma to the hospital and how would we change sisters diaper. I hate to burst her bubble, there is no need to the reality will be here soon enough.

Me, well I am still here. Trying my best. I am on week 12 of bedrest, week 6 of my gestational diabetes diet (I dreamed about doughnuts last night) and 34 weeks pregnant. No date set for cerclage removal and pretty minimal on medical intervention currently (which is odd after all the micromanaging). Trying to stay calm with increasing worries about delivery and having two children after bedrest combined with no time off left. And then still dealing with the crazy amount of loneliness and depression that comes with 12 weeks of sitting by yourself day after day after day... but hey at least it is 34 weeks and I am still pregnant and maybe just maybe somebody is learning a suck, swallow and breath reflex in there.

Friday, January 6, 2012


In my crazy pregnant mind, I have been waiting to do my first post of the year after I changed the blog. I like to change it about once a year, and lately I feel that everything needs to be done before the baby comes. So instead of posting I have been looking and looking for the perfect background, etc.

I do believe I am going a bit crazy. For example, I go to get socks, and think... hmm, I better organize this sock drawer. I won't have time to do this when the baby comes and then I will be a mess trying to find my socks. Next thing, I am organizing the entire dresser. Then there is a bag for goodwill, and folding of clothes in piles of color cordinated piles.

I don't know if it is the hormones, nesting gone wild, or what happens when you leave somebody at home without a job for 10 weeks. I wouldn't really say it is productive either, and really is the baby going to be rummaging around in my sock drawer? Somehow I managed with being gone for 3 months across the state at a NICU, came home worked full time with a micro-preemie and my closet was a mess. I am sure I can manage this time, with hopefully (still 4 more weeks to go) full term baby.

Who knows, like I said, I think I am going a bit crazy. Bear with me, I am sure the blog design will change a few more times before this baby comes.