Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Our Stories.

We all have stories that we tell ourselves.  Some of them are based on memories.  Memories that we've made better or worse depending on how we want the story to be.  Other stories are made of the 'would-a', 'should-a' and the 'could-a's with a bit of 'what if' sprinkled in.  These stories can bring us comfort, joy and peace if we want them too.  They can also trap us.

I have been telling myself the same story for the past three years.  At times it was a whisper, other times it was a roar.  I want it to go away.  I have thought that it has gone a few times, but then it comes back again and again.

My story likes to play over and over in my head when I am very tired, when I can't sleep in the middle of the night and when I am angry.  Lately I have been all three (tired, up in the middle of the night and a bit angry).  My story comes back to haunt me over and over again.

My story is of a girl who thought she could do anything.  Thought that she could take on the world, and have it be just the way she wanted.  A girl who was young, healthy and strong.  Then when the girl least expected it, that world fell apart, dissolved away.  Nobody could stop it, and in a blink it was gone.  The girl no longer felt like she could do things, and she knew very well that couldn't have things just the way she wanted.  The life that the girl knew was gone, and a new difficult one was there.  Probably the hardest part, the part that made the girl angry was she felt old, weak, and broken.

I still blame myself for everything that has happened with my pregnancies.  I am still angry at my body.  I am still angry at myself.  I still feel lost.  And my story keeps this going for me.  In the middle of a sleepless night, I have plenty of feed the chapters of this story.  The bank accounts that are empty from medical bills, and not working for months.  My body which is weaker than it has ever been, and still bears scars of pregnancy.  A career that feels shattered from having two major medical emergency in three years.  And a confused mental outlook that really doesn't know who I am anymore or what I want.

I keep thinking that someday I will simply stop blaming myself.  I have told myself over and over to stop.   Yet, I still don't stop.

The thing about the stories we tell ourselves is that they aren't necessarily true.  In fact there might be barely a shred of truth to them.  Especially when we want to play the 'what-if' game, making a guess at what would have happened is simply choosing a different ending to the story.  Like the choose your own adventure books of my grade school days, you can always go back and choose another direction.

Our lives are a combination of what happens to us, how we react to it and then finally how we choose to remember it.   Getting stuck on one story or event in of our lives is an easy thing to do, how to get out of that story is a whole lot trickier.  Could it be as simple as telling ourselves a different ending?  And repeating it over and over until your mind believes it as true.

Could the girl in my story start to believe that even though it didn't go the way she had wanted it really was a beautiful ending.  Despite things not going as planned maybe that was because the real plan is even better.  Better than this girl could ever imagine.  And finally the girl realizes that though she is far from perfect, and not as unstoppable as she thought in her youth maybe just maybe she isn't so bad after all.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Guess who turned 2 months?

Just not enough time in the day (or night) to get everything done lately.  But, life is good.  Taylor is growing away and now is full of smiles and coos.  She loves to sit and talk to anyone lucky enough to hold her.  She is a much more 'talky' baby than Kate was.  These pictures are from today and she even has a little cold (thanks to big sis).  Too much fun between all the work.  One of these days I will have more than five minutes to blog (maybe?!?).

Monday, April 16, 2012

Its good to be back....

Some minor reflections on being back to work.


In general the transition went pretty good.  I was stressed and more tired than I thought possible but I think it was really good to get back to somethings that were part of my old 'normal'.   I liked using my mind again after a long break and also just trying to get some type of schedule going.

I missed my girls like crazy, but I am not back full time yet so it was do-able.  I'll try to post picture soon, as I have lots of new ones from easter and around the house.

Sunday, April 1, 2012


I am a bit concerned. Trying to stay positive and think that every day will bring about something good. I feel like I have worked the stars to make a cosmic headache of a week. It is my last week of maternity leave. Emotions are running high. I forgot that it was spring break so there is no toddler school this week, that means no activity time for Kate. This means everyday is with me and the baby. Did I mention, Kate's favorite words right now are "CAN'T", "WON'T" , "DON'T" and "NO", and those are all exclamations. The forecast is for rain every day of the week, and possible snow showers on Thursday. Because I forgot that Kate wouldn't be at school, I mistakenly made doctors appointments for myself during the times I thought she'd be gone. Now, I will be going to the doctors with a toddler and newborn (hmm... will we be able to hear anything?!?). Then per the books newborn fussiness reaches its peak at 6 weeks, this week. I don't know how we could get more fussy lately. Last night, she was up at 2 am so I nursed her, rocked her and got her to sleep, then I pumped. Now it was 3 am, I went to bed, but at 3:30 am she is up crying. I get my husband to help take care of her, he rocks her, later gives her a bottle. I take over at 5 am to hold her while she sleeps, and I sleep in the upright position (the same position I slept in from 11 until 2 am). She wakes up to start the day at 6:30 am. Taylor prefers to be attached to me like a piece of velcro. I actually eat every meal with her either in the sling or on me with a blanket. I usually get a few hours in a 24 hour period that I actually don't have her attached, and during that time she is usually screaming.

What can you do though? I am choosing to look forward and think that everyday will get a bit better. I know no matter what the week will go on. I will have to start work the following week. I am just going to have to look a bit harder for those good times maybe this week. Oh yeah, and maybe pray a bit more.