My Single Word for 2012.

Don't get me wrong.  There was lots to be joyful and thankful for in 2012.  Having a healthy full term baby was a dream come true after 4 months on bed rest.  We are all lucky to have our health and no real unexpected drama this year.  We both still have our jobs, a roof over our head, and some money in the bank account.

In the big picture it was an excellent year.  Still, even with everything I have to be appreciative for the word  that I just can't get out of my head though when I think of the last year...

EXHAUSTED.

I try as I might, and am thankful for everything but still come back to that word to describe 2012.

I feel bad that is what I think of 2012.  I feel guilty that I am feeling sorry for myself or that I am being lazy.  I don't even know why I am so exhausted or have been for the majority of the year.

True sleep was low on the list in 2012.  I started the year in the last two months of bed rest and very pregnant.  Anyone who has been very pregnant knows that you are not getting good sleep.  Between going to the bathroom every several hours, sleeping with twenty pillows, and then you are blessed with strange hormonal insomnia.

Well then we had a newborn, and a toddler that went through major sleep regression.  Even when I got one child to sleep the other one was awake and visa versa.  It was a real shocker with the second child that you couldn't nap when the baby napped because there is the other child to take care of.   I would say that since T's birth that I haven't gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in a row (in almost a year).

Still I didn't sleep that much when I was in school, or doing my emergency shifts.  I sure didn't sleep when K was in the NICU or for months after she got home.  Thus I don't think this year has been that sleep deprived in the grand scheme of all my sleep deprived years.  I have wondered if it was just the accumulation of years upon years of not sleeping very well, or what I could handle when I was younger just seems to take its toll harder now.

I have worked hard, pumped, and tried to work out as much as possible.  I try to be a good mom, a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  I am very far from perfect, but I did try.  But my level of trying I still am not sure why the utter exhaustion.  These are not new things for me, the exhaustion is.  And nutritionally I am pretty reasonable, I drink a ton of liquids (mostly water, gatorade, and tea), I have little to no caffeine.  I take a multivitamin, b-vitamins, omega 3, vitamin D.  I eat a good variety and almost all home-made food.  I still need to eat more fruits and veggies and less sugar (but come on who doesn't).

Of course I have thought of medical reasons, maybe my thyroid is out of whack.  Maybe I am depressed.  Maybe there is a hormonal reason.  Maybe there is something else wrong that I don't know about.  Being that I am not my own doctor, I don't know.  Sadly I have felt that I don't have any time to go to the doctor, and that my general practitioner will blow me off for coming in and saying that I am overly exhausted.

There is its, I have no solid reason for it.  But last year I was exhausted.  This makes my goal 2013 easy, "Be Less Exhausted."  Said out loud it sounds a little pitiful, but I like to think realistic.  I am not so optimistic that I think I should not be exhausted at all, but less so than this year.  Maybe do a few more things to investigate this whole thing.

Happy New Year and here is a toast to energy in the new year!

Caption this...

 Watching from a perch while I wrap presents... pretty sure she finds me absolutely stupid, and knows that she will destroy my packages as soon as I put them under the tree.

Mostly I wonder what Taylor is thinking of her sister in this one.  Maybe she has something to say to the whole crew of crazy cousins and family.  Maybe she is just a little bit tired for a long day of Holiday fun.

Hopefully you and yours have had a wonderful Christmas and holiday down time.  We sure have!

A weekend for Family and Hugs.

 Like a lot of people, the recent tragedy is just too much.  How do you wrap your head around  horrible violence against such innocent individuals?  I just don't think you can.  For this weekend, we just hugged each other a little extra.

 We played a little more on the floor.  Listened and danced to Christmas songs in our pj's and tried to just enjoy ourselves in a little safe cocoon of our home.  Because sometimes you just can't put into words your disappointment and despair in the events of our world.  And when your children are this young, and don't even know what a gun is.  I just try to keep them that way, innocent and protected for as long as I can.

No words can be said.  My sympathy to the parents who lost their children, are just that words.  My chance to keep my children loved, protected as well as try to be a positive force in this world  is all I can do.  One day at a time.

Making a List, Checking it twice.

Christmas with two kids is like life with two kids, a little bit harder than I expected.  Little T is going everywhere and putting everything in her mouth.  She is one fast moving hazard.  Gone are the days of letting her sit in the living room with a pile of toys while I do the dishes or some other small to-do.  Meanwhile, K is often telling me that T is grabbing this from her, or grabbing her or needing one of the 100 other things she needs at any given moment (snack, bathroom, her CD player isn't working, lets color, lets dance, lets...).  I knew this was all coming but I wasn't prepared for how it just took the level of chaos up a notch.

Yesterday when I finally got to work, which for any working mother you have to admit just getting to work is a huge victory.  To get out the door with 3 people fed and dressed by a set time in the morning, as well as in my case pumped and breast fed.  Then the bags packed, lunches ready, preschool stuff together.  It just really can be a christmas miracle.  And yesterday was that, a miracle.  Both girls woke up with a huge case of the crabby-pants, going to whine and cry for mom every time she leaves the room.

Anyhow, I got to work.  Looked at my messages, saw what was waiting for me for the day.  Looked at my schedule for the next day.  Got pestered about not having signed the work Christmas cards. Then closed the door to my office (which I share with 3 other doctors and is the size of  closet),  and had myself a little cry.  It just had to happen.  I hate crying at work, and I really think nobody noticed or at least they looked the other way if I looked splotchy later.  Sometimes though, it just has to come out or come to a stop for a bit.

You can only do so much and only be so much for so many people.  It is a simple life equation.  At some point the math just doesn't add up.  You insert Christmas and all the to-do's with it, a new childcare situation, and some unexpected work changes and well the equation goes to hell.  I won't lie either, after my cry I still didn't feel all that better.  I dragged through my work day, came home and the girls were still in a bad mood and I was still feeling behind.

After I got them to bed though, I put on my running shoes and did my nightly run (the streak is still alive!!).  Came home and made a list of what I need to get done for Christmas.  And then worked on removing things from that list for a bit, and actually got a lot crossed off the list.  There is hope, if nothing else that glorious list makes it all seem a bit more manageable.  I also delegated some much needed tasks to my husband.  I also remembered that the best thing at my girls ages is time together, and small things.  K asked for toothpaste in her stocking, and I know T will be thrilled with boxes and wrap (that she will try to suffocate herself with).  Their expectations are low, and mine need to get readjusted at times.

Today I hope this finds you making a holiday list and checking it twice, but hopefully not in your office having a little cry!

Reflections

This time of year makes me introspective and a bit nastalgic all rolled into one.  You have the holidays that bring you back with lots of memories, from childhood and years gone past.  Then with the New Year coming I always start to think of what I have accomplished and what I hope to accomplish.  The combination makes my mind a bit of a jumble (with the addition of sugar cookies, wrapping paper and long to do list as well.).

Last week though was little T's 9 month well check.  I was amused with how relaxed I am with her appointments.  I don't have any questions really, and just kind of breeze in and out.  Some of it is because of the type of baby she is (easy going, loves to eat, hitting all her milestones) and some of it just who I am now as a mother (more experienced, too busy to worry too much, and enjoying the baby phase).  Ironically though, we think of little T as a big baby.  We joke about how much she eats (the girl loves her food!), and seems to be growing out of everything so quickly.

The reality is she is exactly the same size as K was.  I wrote everything done and still do for their measurements.  When K was a year old or 9 months adjusted she was the exact same weight as her sister.  The big difference is I constantly worried and focused on it with K(and still do).  The reality is that maybe I just have small girls.  I am rather small myself, but my husband is a pretty big guy so we assumed that maybe the kids would be a mix of both or take after Dad.  At this point I would say probably not.

Now K really kind of dropped onto a low or small growth after a year.  I swear the child survives on air at this point.  She is such a pain to get to eat (unless of course it is junk).  Little T eats everything, but I am prepared for the day when that all stops and she starts to demand goldfish crackers at every meal (while I try to sneak in protein and veggies everywhere).  Only time will tell though.

There are other things that I feel a bit sheepish about now, though they have kept me up worrying on and off for the last several years.  For example, K has always been impossible to get shoes on.  She rolls her foot into a ball (even now).  Trying to cram a round foot into a little flat or straight shoe is impossible, and frustrates me to no end.  So I asked the specialist and the doctors about this several times.  They explained to me that it is because she has poor tone due to her premature birth (and we did see a few other symptoms of this in her).  K also has always spent a lot of time up on her tip-toes.  You will often hear me saying 'Flat feet please",  or "walk flat K".    Again this was explained as a problem with her tone and something we have to work on.

Guess what?  Her sister is identical.  I couldn't believe it.  I struggle and struggle to get shoes on her now.  She has her feet rolled up so tight.  She also seems to have the same extremely tiny feet, the only thing that she isn't growing out of at all is shoes.  And even though she is only pulling to stand she already seems to love to be on her tip toes rather and flat feet.

All that worry and analyzing, seems to have not really been worth it.  Because now I have another daughter who has no reason and has the exact same issues.  Motherhood is so funny that way.  Humbling all the time. I know that because of who I am I will probably continue to worry and push for the best for both girls but maybe I won't let it keep me up quite so much (no guarantees though).

Daily Sprinkles

In the mix of all the daily battles of life, K has had an explosion of verbal skills and more personality (sometimes I am not sure if we can handle all this personality).  Here is just a what I am now consider the daily sprinkles that brighten my days.

Every where we drive, it gleefully announced from the back seat "That house is celebrating Christmas!"  "That house is not celebrating yet!"  "That house is celebrating, but that one is not!"  Celebrating means they have decoration up or on.  This will go on and on and on.

We have become somewhat obsessed with baby Jesus this year.  Random times during the day I hear "WHERE IS BABY JESUS?"  at a crazy volume used to announce a house fire.  Then there is a crazy conversation that will go on, that usually has to do something with the shepherds, and a donkey followed by another, where is baby Jesus?!?.

We are in Micheals doing some shopping for holiday crafts.  She is down the aisle looking at various things.  "Mom, I just love gems and things that sparkle."  Older woman standing next to me, chuckles and says "Spoken like a true woman."

She has taken to giving me loud commentary about what is going on around us.  We were in the locker room this weekend getting ready to go swimming.  Loud enough for everyone to hear her, probably out in the parking lot she states,  "That Momma is trying to get into her swimsuit, looks like it is kind of hard for her."  "Those ladies are talking about going on vacation, that sounds fun."  As well this goes on and on and on.

Then there are moments that are a bit rude, but still make me laugh.  She is going the bathroom in the morning, I am standing there helping her.  "What day is it?"  "Thursday."  "Thursday go to school day."  "Yep, go to school day."  "Then what will we do?"  "Not sure."  "Mom is old."  "What?"  "Mom is older lady."  "I guess."  "Mom is short."  "Okay, you are starting to go too far."  "Mom is a older shorter woman."  "Kate lest get going to fix your breakfast.".