I hate to b e a whiner. I really do, some may think reading my blog that actually I do like it. I think sometimes though writing is just an extension of your thoughts and unfortunately a lot of us get into a circle of negative thoughts that just keep going round and round.
I have been working on this bad mood since my last doctors appointment and it just seems to be snowballing. My appointment really was fine, they are really pretty fast now-a-days. Normal blood pressure, normal urine, baby sounds good and is still head down. 2 cm dilated (one more than last week) and 80% effaced. The doctor was cheery, and said we'll see you in a week and talk about induction then if we haven't moved forward. Oh, and have a Happy Valentines!
Hmm... lots to be happy about there. Boy, these really are about as good as it gets now. Then why do I feel so frustrated? Why do I feel such a lack of empowerment? Maybe because I really am a passenger on this bus, and I am getting a bit anxious to start driving again. I mean, come on everyday of waiting now is a day off my barely there maternity leave. A day I would rather spend with our new baby.
I have been in my house for four months. I been isolated for longer than I was at the NICU and more isolated than the year we spent keep Kate in home quarantine. I know I am so lucky, and so thankful but I also really miss feeling a bit more than a caged animal.
So what did I do at the appointment? What I normally do in these situations, I smiled politely said thank-you. Took my little slip to the front desk, where the secretary made an appointment for me in 8 days, even though a week to me is 7 days. And of course, made it for the last appointment of the day. Perfect lets just make it for two weeks from now.
Then I went out to my car and cried. I wish I was the type to get angry in the office, yell and demand that we do something now because I am losing my mind. But, that just isn't me. I know medically it doesn't make any sense anyway. It might keep me from being so bitter though for days afterwards.
I am headed out for some alone time, and to take my husband some coffee (since I still can't have any treats). Hoping that a change will lighten the load a bit or stop the negative thoughts. I glanced at pinterest this morning for a quick smile and found the above three pictures in about a minutes. Each of them makes me smile, and sometimes that all we can do.