Friday, December 23, 2011

Hard Mommy Lessons.

As we know some parts of parenting are harder than others. For me, even though I haven't had my second daughter I already feel the pull between being there for each of them when physically I can only do so much. When I have those big brown eyes with tears, and the 'momma, momma' coming from her pleading voice it truly makes me want to be and do more. I just can't do it all.

Luckily I have only been in the hospital twice thus far for this pregnancy, and neither had a very long stay. This is something that I pray for every night, that I can stay at home for as long as possible if not my entire pregnancy. Bedrest at home is one thing, but to be honest bedrest in the hospital is hell. Last time, I didn't think I would survive (my poor husband barely survived my sobbing phone calls). This time being separated from my daughter would probably break me in two.

That being said, nearly daily I have to do something different and hard for the health of our baby over the happiness of our older daughter. I haven't picked Kate up in so long, and at first she was great about it. Now it has just gotten old for both of us. We go somewhere and there is something to look at, or she has a boo-boo, or she is just tired. You can only comfort kneeling down so much. She has adapted, and has learned how to climb up into my lap, onto the bed and couch and so on. We still both miss it.

She has learned new phrases, which she comforts herself with but break my heart to hear over and over. "Mommy, go rest now", "Mommy go to doctor", "Mommy not feeling good.", "Mommy get shot", and then "Mommy, come back?". She being 2 1/2 repeats these a 100 times for their full effect, and heart breaking quality.

It might be coincidence but, we are going through another period of separation anxiety. We have had it show its ugly head a few times, but you combine it with a hormonal 8 month pregnant woman who is contracting all the time it just gets even uglier. I know the rules, I don't feed into it we keep it simple and no drama. It still breaks my heart. Last weekend if I even went into shower, there was crying and drama from the hallway.

Time after time over the last several months, I have had to choose to go lay down to ease the contractions and keep our new daughter safe while at the same time feel like I am letting down our older daughter. I know that this is a lesson that I am going to have to learn over and over being a mother of two.

Unfortunately like much of motherhood, I just didn't know how hard it would be.

1 comment:

  1. :(. It is hard. I didn't have the bed rest or not picking her up while pregnant but I do now and I know what you mean about the heartbreak of not holding her. You are doing So well though. I'm looking forward to the next few months for you. I can't say it will get easier, yet, but everyone promises me that it will. Hang in there!