Easter.

No offense but Easter is just not my holiday. I don't really know why, just a personal thing it doesn't float my boat. Never has. I enjoy the candy, the flowers and colors. Of course though, having a child changes things a bit.

Letting your little munchkin run around with glee gathering eggs in a silly dress. That actually brought a pretty good smile to my face. Seeing her delight in finding eggs, and then also a trying to put a soccerball into the easter basket, the holiday is getting better and better.

As the day comes to a close, our little easter bunny is absolutely exhausted from giggling, dancing and eating too much bunny cake. The house looks like an absolute mess, with easter basket goodies, frosting and plastic eggs everywhere. I got nothing accomplished, but we spent a whole day together. And we enjoyed every moment.

April Cupcakes-- Bunnycakes.

I don't have a lot of Easter traditions, but these are quickly becoming one of the few. I bought these bunny shaped ramekins from Michaels a few years back (for .50 cents a piece). They really make these very easy (I think that cupcakes in things other than wrappers are great). The cake is carrot of course with traditional cream cheese frosting. They were delicious. I always have a little cake left over too, and I'll put it in small little dish and make a little single serving cake perfect for a couple to share.

Kate was very excited for these. She actually was able to say cake, repeatedly. I kept finding her on easter over at the table near them. When we brought them over to Grandma's to share with the cousins, she actually got one off the table and stuck her little finger down in them. It was the majority of her easter dinner as well.

I also made little nest cookies, which were nearly as fun to make because during their entire making there was a screaming tantrum throwing toddler in the back ground. I was trying to just ignore the chaos and get the cookies done, but you can only focus so much with this level of screaming going on.

Guilt.

Two years out from having my little baby, I've come a long way. I have learned to watch her but not too carefully, I only rarely check on her breathing at night. I can have a conversations about pregnancy, listen to birth stories and simply smile (most of the time). And when I hear the medical helicopters go over our house (we live close to a hospital), I don't still have a racing heart.

That is a long way from the broken and upset mess of a person I felt some 19 months ago. For so long I didn't think the pieces would ever fit together again. I thought that the pain would just continue to eat away at me. I would never be hopeful again.

With time, though things got easier and better.

Unfortunately there are have been a few hang ups. One of the biggest being, what I feel has been more a secret. Though like most secrets I think more people realize it than I know. That I am more transparent and not such a mystery.

The secret is that of all the factors involved, the only one I have ever believed is that I was to blame for her premature birth. That I caused this and could have prevented it.

Logically, I know this is absolutely stupid. I would never let a friend believe this. No medical professional has ever told me this. For that matter no person has ever made it seem like this was a possibility.

All the same, even when I've been comforted, in my mind I have always felt that it was my fault. It was my body, my pregnancy and my mistakes that lead us to the road of the NICU. This is a belief that I have held onto and held onto. Whenever my daughter has had a challenge, whenever somebody talks of her as a miracle, a lit bit of me cringes because I feel the guilt of it all.

Everybody has their way of dealing with things. I know other mothers that are still very angry. Some of these mothers are angry at their doctors, some are angry at a specific procedure. I like to keep it simple and just blame myself.

Recently though, I have realized this is exhausting. I can't keep this secret going. Because you combine this guilt with my type A perfectionism and you get something all together crazy. My guilt doesn't leave me sitting around feeling sorry for myself, it makes me try even hardier to do everything for my daughter and everybody else. I realized that I can't just keep trying in hope that I will never have another horrible situation happen, and that no matter what I do now the past is still the past.

Pain has happened. Pain will happen again. Things will happen that I can't control, that I can't predict. Some of them may be my fault. Some of them may not. No matter how much I beat myself up, life is still going to happen.

Did I make some mistakes? Yes. Did I learn anything? Only about a million life changes things. Is it working for me to constantly feel guilty about this? No. Time to move in a different direction? You got it sister!

Dealing with quilt about that milk that is split,

you can get quite a complex quite sturdily built.

If you learned what you should and don't need any more,

there is help in these whispers that can greatly restore.

Growing, growing, growing.

Kate has a one particular 'lovey' that she sleeps with every night. She received it from a friend of mine while in the NICU, and it has been with her ever since. Recently she has started calling it pup. I make it stay in her crib because I am so worried that something will happen to it and she won't go to sleep without it (I know she could, but I watch her on the monitor every night curled up with it in bliss).

Recently she had a little time with pup in her room, and it made me think of a NICU picture. The night nurse took it when she hit five pounds. She is now about 23 pounds, and boy how she has changed. Still has those cute cheeks.

March Cupcake.

I know that it is April, and I would like to say that I made these in March and am just posting it now but, no. I made them last week. Unless the blog or life police are going to arrest me, I consider them my March cupcakes.

I made Pina Colada cupcakes, in a little tribute to spring breaks gone past. I miss spring break very much. That little break, to have some sun and fun. Now spring break, is just another week of work. I am sure later on when our kiddo is bigger we will do something, but for now its nothing.

My husband and I met on spring break. Not an overly romantic story, unless you are into college movies with mindless plots. All the same, thanks goodness for spring break fun as it has made my life all the richer.

The cupcake is a coconut cake, with a whip cream frosting topped with toasted coconut, and fresh pineapple. I thought it was delicious but was messy and a definitely best the day of. I would make the cake a little more coconut in taste. I wouldn't give up the drink quite yet either!

April Showers.

It just continues to rain here. We do get outside from time to time, to do all that a happy toddler likes to do outside. I am currently hobbling along because I have sprained my ankle (same ankle twice), with a month to go before the big race. All the same, there are some smiles between the sprinkles.

I have a lot of funny little bubble thoughts to go with this picture. Kate is always a girl with a purpose. Here to there, and there to here. Putting rocks, pine cones and all those things in there special place.

Never to busy for a little mischief, and putting rocks in places they should go. Though, I never care where they go in fact I typically have a collection in my pocket from my own picking of the ground and beach.
Hellebores. Beautiful perennials and if you don't have one you should get one. Dry shade to part shade, first blooming flower of the year always. Known also as Lentil Rose.

Somebody forgot to let the animal out of her cage.

"See Mom, I am so helpful. I will never pull out your flowers,

well as long as they don't ask me to pull them out."

She is off and running. Where she is off to who knows? Who can even keep up with her.