Friday, May 17, 2013

On the Verge...

Life has gotten a little bit better here.  At least that is what I am saying over and over, and over again.  I get the feeling, and maybe it is just hopeful thinking, that we are on the verge of some pretty big changes around here.  And that to get there we have to be really frustrated for a period of time.  You know what I am talking about?  That period of time when you just feel like something has to give, and then it does and you are in a new stage of life.

Little T ended up having an urinary tract infection, which we are treating and has greatly improved her sleeping at least.  Her attitude well that is only a little better.  She still feels that the best place for herself is next to me or in my arms.  She will knee walk and crawl really fast but still won't attempt to walk much solo.  And eating is still mostly for decorating with or playing.  And communication is mostly yelling or screaming.

Big K has been doing great lately, though I know when I have to change her childcare and possibly her school here in a few weeks that may all change.  We have also decided to be very afraid of the noise that running water makes.  She screams and acts as if she is being attacked by flesh eating wasps.  Just in time for summer, this water sound phobia can occur when you turn on a bath, the faucet to wash you hands, and also gardening hoses.

I am doing better than last week.  To be honest it would be hard to get much lower.  I still in general feel very burned out on all fronts.  My job has been frustratingly slow, and unchanging.  I spend my free time doing childcare interviews and searches, feeling frustrated that I just did this and obviously didn't do a very good job last time.  Looking for childcare always makes me feel inadequate anyway, working mother guilt at its best.  Then when your job isn't going stellar, it makes it all the harder to feel alright about leaving your children with somebody else during the day.  K is at the age where she tells me repeatedly that she wishes I stayed with her all the time, and that she misses me when I am gone.  Its sweet, but combine that with an baby who acts sometimes like she is being murdered when I leave a room and you feel a bit drained and overwhelmed.

All the same spring is here, and we have sunny days between rain showers.  I went for a run last night after the girls were in bed, and the flowers are blooming, people are outside enjoying themselves, and it is green everywhere.  After months of running with a headlight, in the cold rain it is a very needed break.  Now if the rest of my life could fall into order I would greatly appreciate it.

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