Thoughts...

I was driving to work the other morning rushed and late but thinking.  I was thinking of the saying, "What would you do if you weren't afraid of failing."  And the answer came to me instantly.  I knew exactly what I would want to do.  It scared me how clear it was, and yet what a big jump and change it would mean for my family.

Now that said, though I apologize in its ambiguity (not all things can be shared in the world of cyberspace), I have pondered this saying a lot more over the last week.  Because yes, I know what I would do if I wouldn't fail but does that really mean you should do it?  Fear does keep us alive, and failure though not life threatening can have different endings.

For example, I also made the statement this week, "If I was younger and had normal pregnancies, I would have more children."  Yes, I said this (even though I am totally sleep deprived, my house is a mess and I honestly feel that I can't handle my two children).  But lets look at this, I fear that I would fail as a mother but more so I would fail to and have another horrible complicated pregnancy that our family can not afford at all. So in this case, taking the jump, forgetting fear much like I did with the last pregnancy well, I would end up in the same boat (or in my case sitting on the same couch or bed for four months).

I know I am rambling, and since you only know about half of what I am talking about these are confusing ramblings at best.  All the same, "What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?"  and then, "Would you actually do it?".

Scene:  Sunday Morning

Characters:  Mom, Big Sis (also referred to Katie Bug and Bug), Little Sis (also referred Sissy and TayTay)

Mom (while working on meal planning, and the weekly shopping list at that kitchen table, looking serious and slightly frazzled):  "Katie Bug, where is you sissy?"

Big Sis (eating a bannana, singing and wearing monkey sunglasses at the kitchen table):  "WHAT?"

Mom:  "Bug, where is your sissy at?"

Big Sis:  "Not sure."

Mom: "When did you see her last?"

Big Sis: "This is a good bannana."

Mom (starting to feel a little panic, but also just trying to get that grocery list done):  "Tay-Tay, where are you? Tay-Tay?"

 Little Sis (sitting calmly in the cabinet located next to the kitchen table, notice in above picture): "giggle, giggle, clap, clap"  (starts to shove plates and cups out onto the floor)

Mom (laughing and smiling):  "Classic, classic"

Sisters

Like spring weather, life lately has been unpredictable and challenging.  I honestly was so tired during the last blog post that I didn't remember a word I wrote of it.  I read it the next day, and it was like reading something for the first time.  I was a bit scared in that it felt like I had blacked out on part of day.  We have a wicked cold that has made our poor sleep habits ridiculous and then even when I do sleep I wake up coughing and struggling.  Combine that with a crazy work schedule, and I guess you black out during the things (note to self get more sleep and don't do any long drives until then).

 In spring there is rain one minute, hail the next moment and then sun.  Around here I have noticed a little sunshine around here.  As I have talked about before, the sister relationship has been Little T adores, and at best Big K ignores.  At its worst, K has been down right mean.  Typically there is only minor violence, but the acting out in other ways or jealous tantrum well those have been epic this year.

Slowly and surely though, I am catching more and more times when they are doing things together.  Reading a book, playing in the imaginary kitchen or just making our house into one giant mess.  I hear T laughing, and following behind and I hear K saying long diatribes about them being in a marching band (of course she is the leader and gets the best instruments).  Little T is learning how to reach back out and say, "Big Sis don't be so pushy and bossy all the time" (this sounds like a combination of baby growls and shouts, with a straight arm and pointy finger but not only amusing is effective and gets the point across).  They are starting to figure this sister thing out.

Being sisters is not the Hallmark card I imagined while I was pregnant.  I realize now that I am here to help them realize how important family and sisters are, and that sometimes that doesn't just come out naturally.  I am also realizing that this is an evolving relationship, like each of our relationships are and I will probably get to witness all type of phases in it.

Being spring who know what the weather will bring, or our health or family.  I think I will hold out hope for more sun.

Look who turned ONE!

 The big day was a few weeks ago, and after a scare last night were somebody deleted the pictures from the camera (but luckily he is very tech savy and figured out how to retrieve them all again) I felt that better share the fun day before it was too late again.  I did farm theme, and I absolutely loved decorating for this and I think that the girls liked it too.

 Taylor is a total ham, and I have way to much fun putting hats on her.  She will leave them on for a long time.  A few days later the hankercheif that she wears at her party became a hat at my party.

 Present were fun for both big and little sister, though Taylor mostly wanted eat everything...

 So cake time was perfect! There was no problem playing with her little cake, which

lead to smiles and sticky fun for all!  And even though I swear we aren't doing big parties each year, I am glad I did orgnaize this one and really celebrated this event!  Making it to year one is an acoomplisment for anyone, and whether it is your 1st child or your 6th I think that you should step back and enjoy. The amount of time and energy to get to that day, is a lot and a lot of pushing yourself harder than you thought possible.

It was a happy, relaxed day that left us a stinky mess and our beautiful girls.