Sometimes these things are good. The day I met my husband some 18 years ago, followed by the day he proposed, the day we married. I remember the day we drove home from the NICU, granted it was a 6 plus hour drive. My first day at a new job, and so on. With the good also comes the not so good.
I thought with my second pregnancy that I wouldn't have any of the bad anniversary dates. I really thought it would just be good, good and more good. After all the memories, and dare I say trauma of the first I thought that besides being challenged it would be smooth sailing. Of course it was not as smooth as I had hoped.
I then find myself disappointed in myself, because in the big picture everything has worked out great. My girls are healthy and thriving. I am healthy and doing great. So why let a simple day haunt you? Why not celebrate the next good memory and move on.
One part of bad anniversaries or hard experiences is they tend to have a harsh contrast to them. The experience is sandwiched right next to normal, and so they stick out so crystal clear. As well, they are usually a new experiences or one-and-only experiences. I also think that for me, I often can process all of an experience when it happens. I often go into 'worker' mode, where I just buckle down and get done what needs to get done and move on. I get through the crisis and then how knows when the time will come that I deal with it a bit more.
Everyday is a challenge to live in the present moment, and something I am always working towards. Spending too much time looking back or looking forward does drain today of it happiness. I do believe that every experience I have in life, I am supposed to have and it is meant to be. That said though I am only human, and the pain and sadness felt in an experience leave me scared for when the next shoe may drop.
Last year, I walked in happily after work to my doctors appointment and looked over at that ultrasound and knew what we had to do. Surgery was later that week, and then I spent the next four months on bedrest. Those days were some of the hardest I had, and I don't think I even breathed for most of Novemember. I really had a very long hard winter last year.
|Last year with one in the oven and the lady bug|
|This year, a flower and a bee.|