I try to think positive about all the things that I am doing this time that are different than last time:
1) No running, no exercise, no lifting, no strenuous activity. All stopped at 4 weeks in.
2) Resting and getting off my feet as much as possible. I nap almost everyday I am off, I have never napped in my life. I sit or lay down every-time I get, and you can ask my work this is not me. I modify every activity I do to make it less strenuous.
3) I get ultra-sounded every other week, and progesterone shots every week.
4) I take every possible vitamin that you can (multi, omega 3's, vitamin D and magnesium).
5) I gave up 1/2 of my surgery days so that I am off my feet, away from anesthetic gas, and less stressed. Did I ever mention that surgery is my favorite part of practice?
6) Starting in October, I will be only be working mornings so that I am not on my feet for longer than 6 hours.
7) Water drinking to a new level, I drink at least 2 liters everyday and typically 3 liters. I drink no caffeine, no alcohol and limited sugar.
8) No traveling, really limited activities period.
9) A few other personal restrictions and things I keep to myself.
Well, there we have it. All that I could think of and all that could have been suggested to me.
I know that there is more that could come. I know that they could make me stop working. They could take away my ability to leave the house or get up more than to go to the bathroom. I could then be not allowed to get up to go the bathroom. I could be limited to a hospital bed, without going outside or seeing my daughter on a daily basis. I could not be allowed to sit up or even be in bed in an flat position.
I also know that no matter what anyone suggests or does, we still can't predict or understand what is going to happen. No matter how much I pray, think positive, and dream of the future it all may be just be beyond my reach. I could wake up and the day I know is gone, and in its place is a day full of talks of survivability, handicaps, and ethical decisions. People talking in hushed voices, and time ticking by slowly, and you feel as if you can barely breath or move because it is just too hard.
I used to wonder how people could develops such fears that they wouldn't leave their house, or get rid of their belongings. But, I didn't understand what a strong pull the mind could have on you. How trapped and stuck you could feel with memories, and what if's. How you could create a reality based off strong emotions. Those people that you want to just snap out of it. I am sure they want to snap out it. We just can't get out of our own minds.
So , no I don't feel better this time around. I don't feel more safe, and confident. I don't feel watched. I wish I did. I am trying, really I am. I have my positive images by the bed. I've read and continue to read positive books and affirmations. I have positive sayings posted everywhere. I am willing to do what-ever is asked of me, even giving up all my freedoms and ask everyone I need for help. I pray multiple times a day.
I wish I had it figured out. I have not lost hope that I will. I still remember that everyday is new, not a repeat. I see the happy, and try to enjoy the day even if it is a little harder than the day before. I try to remember the big picture, and what we are hoping to create in our lives. I try to give myself a break. I try to enjoy what I have and not what I might not.
For now this is the best I can do.