One more mile, and then I can walk.

One thing that I love about running, is that it is a very real metaphor for life. Or put another way, my running experiences giving me strength for life. One techinque that I was taught or learned along the way is when you are struggling to motivate yourself to just focus on something in front of you, and then if you get to that point you can decide to walk or keep going.

Most of the time you get up to the determined point, and you aren't feeling any worse so you keep going. Sometimes it is still hard but you choose another goal in front of you and go until then. Eventually you get to the end of your race, and think hmm... that wasn't too bad. Other times it is just good to finish and not think about how you had to convince yourself to get to one telephone pole after another.

I knew I would need to pull from these experiences to get through another pregnancy. Obviously that is why I was pushing so hard to do my last Marathon. I knew I wouldn't be able to run during this pregnancy, and so I needed to stock pile all the strength I could.

I have to say though, my markers or goals now are simple I get from week to week. Shot to shot. And it is a real struggle. I don't have a ton of options, but wrapping myself in cotton and being placed in a box sounds pretty nice. Maybe, I could be frozen and then unthawed at 36 or 37 weeks. And lastly, just staying in bed for the next 4 months.

Luckily I have adorable family that unrolls the cotton mummy and makes me laugh. An occasional there is a day that just goes by quick, with no weird pains, no worries. Between those days, it is all about getting to the next point. Then maybe I can walk for awhile.

Tales from the Dark Side.

I swear we don't force her to do things, that just isn't our style. But, I also don't stop her from being extremely silly. I was decorating the house for Halloween, and she was into everything. Pumpkins were flying, and then she found the fabric. She was very fond of this black see-through number with sparkly bats on it. Little did I know she would walk around the house with it on.


Or play on her bed with it on!
Or try to scare people as they came in, boy was she scary!
At some point all the fun had to end because...

it was time to empty out her pj drawer.

It was much more fun to decorate with a curious, funny helper around. I can't believe how much more she is into Halloween than last year. Fun to see her enjoy things in her own crazy way.

** I apologize for the fuzzy quality of the pictures, she is moving very quickly always.

Preventing Premature Birth the Second Time.

I have heard from several people, that I should feel good this time because at least I am being watched and they know what happened last time so it won't happen this time. Hmm... this falls into the category of you felt the need to say something and thus you spoke. Lets review that even now we don't know what happened last time. And, yes I am being watched but I wasn't exactly 'unwatched' last time. I had an ultrasound at 20 weeks, 22 weeks and went into labor at 23 weeks.

I try to think positive about all the things that I am doing this time that are different than last time:

1) No running, no exercise, no lifting, no strenuous activity. All stopped at 4 weeks in.

2) Resting and getting off my feet as much as possible. I nap almost everyday I am off, I have never napped in my life. I sit or lay down every-time I get, and you can ask my work this is not me. I modify every activity I do to make it less strenuous.

3) I get ultra-sounded every other week, and progesterone shots every week.

4) I take every possible vitamin that you can (multi, omega 3's, vitamin D and magnesium).

5) I gave up 1/2 of my surgery days so that I am off my feet, away from anesthetic gas, and less stressed. Did I ever mention that surgery is my favorite part of practice?

6) Starting in October, I will be only be working mornings so that I am not on my feet for longer than 6 hours.

7) Water drinking to a new level, I drink at least 2 liters everyday and typically 3 liters. I drink no caffeine, no alcohol and limited sugar.

8) No traveling, really limited activities period.

9) A few other personal restrictions and things I keep to myself.

Well, there we have it. All that I could think of and all that could have been suggested to me.

I know that there is more that could come. I know that they could make me stop working. They could take away my ability to leave the house or get up more than to go to the bathroom. I could then be not allowed to get up to go the bathroom. I could be limited to a hospital bed, without going outside or seeing my daughter on a daily basis. I could not be allowed to sit up or even be in bed in an flat position.

I also know that no matter what anyone suggests or does, we still can't predict or understand what is going to happen. No matter how much I pray, think positive, and dream of the future it all may be just be beyond my reach. I could wake up and the day I know is gone, and in its place is a day full of talks of survivability, handicaps, and ethical decisions. People talking in hushed voices, and time ticking by slowly, and you feel as if you can barely breath or move because it is just too hard.

I used to wonder how people could develops such fears that they wouldn't leave their house, or get rid of their belongings. But, I didn't understand what a strong pull the mind could have on you. How trapped and stuck you could feel with memories, and what if's. How you could create a reality based off strong emotions. Those people that you want to just snap out of it. I am sure they want to snap out it. We just can't get out of our own minds.

So , no I don't feel better this time around. I don't feel more safe, and confident. I don't feel watched. I wish I did. I am trying, really I am. I have my positive images by the bed. I've read and continue to read positive books and affirmations. I have positive sayings posted everywhere. I am willing to do what-ever is asked of me, even giving up all my freedoms and ask everyone I need for help. I pray multiple times a day.

I wish I had it figured out. I have not lost hope that I will. I still remember that everyday is new, not a repeat. I see the happy, and try to enjoy the day even if it is a little harder than the day before. I try to remember the big picture, and what we are hoping to create in our lives. I try to give myself a break. I try to enjoy what I have and not what I might not.

For now this is the best I can do.

Parenting fail and the Big Blue Truck

We don't live on a farm but, we have a farm truck. Our big blue truck is our home project truck, my I need a whole bunch of dirt for the garden and our driveway eye sore. Kate has been fascinated with this big hunk of junk (and I say that with love) forever.

In a moment of parenting stupidity. I let her up in the empty truck. The steering wheel is huge, like a bus and it is a joyful type of king of the road trucker feeling. There is a horn that works. There is just a huge big dirty bench seat to walk across and lots of silver buttons to hit. This is the toddler jackpot.

Now the stupidity of this was drum roll please: 1) Every time we are out front she is adamant that it is time to drive the truck. She is slowly perfecting the word truck, and can see it from the kitchen so we have her standing on the bench frantically talking to the truck. We have her holding onto the tire with tears because she most drive it now. Oh, the fun of these irrational most have desires. And the even bigger reason this was a total form of my parenting stupidity 2) It is obviously not safe to have kids play in vehicles. Though she is smart the difference between the blue truck (that takes an act of god to get started) and mom's car is probably not a realization. So now I feel extra paranoid that she is going to play around and in cars.

I don't know though the joy may have been worth it.

Saying good-bye to a friend.

I knew it was coming, and unfortnately I think I waited a little too long this time but on Thursday I said good-bye to our dear cat Ragu. My first pet as an adult, I had him for 15 years (he was 2 when I got him). And he went out of this world with me petting him and purring.

I lecture, and counsel people in this process every week, practically every day. I mean on average I at least do a few euthanasia a week, and or help people make the decision. But all my training and experience did not makes it all that easier when it is my turn. My gut said that I should have done it a week ago, but my heart just wouldn't let me. I kept holding on that he would start eating and bounce back. Then he went blind (secondary to his kidney's not working anymore).

He wasn't eating, and couldn't even find his way around. Of course a blind pet is very acceptable and not a reason to euthanize (many can have great lives). But, a 17 year old cat that hasn't eaten much in 2 weeks, is in renal failure and whom greatest joy was sitting in the garden was now in a lot of pain and disorientated being blind. I knew that we had to say goodbye.

I took him to work and in between appointments we euthanized him. I cried at my desk, ate a cupcake and then saw appointments for the rest of the day. I drove home with his empty carrier. And grumbled when I pulled up to the driveway and saw the neighbor cat sitting in my garden (Dumb cat, that is where my cat usually sits not your stinky self!).

Life goes on. I try to keep it in perspective, especially with the September 11th anniversary here. All the same I keep thinking I see him out of the corner of my eye. Pawing at the door to come in. Jumping over the fence to land on my hydrangea to get some pets. I have to remind myself that I don't need to feed the old man by himself in the upstairs while the rest of the pets are down stairs.

I really could use a long run in the woods. With the leaves turning, and that cool crisp fall air. The type of run that I can forget about myself and the world for a little bit of time. Just listening to my feet hitting the earth and my breath. And then I could stop by the lake and the tears could pour out for awhile. Eventually I'd get back to the car sweating, tired, and feeling like some of the tension and emotion was drained from me.

Watch out Martha Stewart.

I absolutely promise that I have been taking it easy. Sitting, resting, reading and everything else that I am required to do when not working. But, its been a bit serious around here and we had to have a little fun too. Thus Katie and I gave Martha Stewart a run for her money. First were these outstanding cookies.
Peanut butter, oat, rolled in M&M's. Absolutely chewy and moist, and chocolate and peanut butter is just a perfect combination in my book. Kate still doesn't really help with the cooking, she just stands on the bench over in the kitchen nook and acts like a ham (picture 1).

I keep thinking that she will want to mix or do something but no dancing around and bringing in stuffed animals to the kitchen is always more important. Then in classic Kate style when getting a cookie later she deconstructed it and only at the M & M's (and since then has only eaten the M & M's).
Then we did a little painting to welcome fall in. She really has come a long way with crafting and enjoying it. I have realized I have to have everything set up and ready to go, or her attention span will be ruined and we won't succeed in fun. I also love using the ice cube tray for paint as it is so much easier to clean up and use.
She particularly liked painting her hair and also her belly. All part of the fun!
I wished I didn't like fall so much but I do. I love the colors. I love the crisp mornings with afternoon sun. Football, and bands practicing. School supplies, pumpkins and cinnamon on everything. Sad to see summer go, but ready to embrace the next season. And I really do swear that I am taking it easy.