Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Rescue Cerclage and Running with Ghosts.

Two years ago to the day, I had my rescue cerclage placed at 24 weeks in my pregnancy. Not surprising then that lately my mind still drifts to those days.

Sometimes when I run I have the most brilliantly clear thoughts. I can work out my problems, see things in a new light and feel refreshed when I am all done. Other times though my brain decides that I need to work out something, that maybe I don't want to. I will be running along enjoying myself and then I end up crying and I have to think what the hell is wrong?

I'll admit, I am really good at thinking nothing is wrong. Keeping busy. Ignoring the little things that my mind is trying to tell me. Everything is just fine. I guess when I run, I can't hide anymore. My emotions come to the surface good or bad and there I have them.

That is exactly what I had the other day. Beautiful spring day, me and the dog on one of my favorite trails. But, unfortunately I wasn't alone. I had my hospital ghosts with me. I had the ethics committee talking to me about survivability and risks. I had the magnesium in my veins making me feeling hot, dizzy and out of control. I could see the metal surgery table, and being alone on the table while the doctors talked about a baseball game. I was running but slowly, because it was so loud and crowded in my head. Even the term rescue cerclage was so desperate.

"You'll either wake up and we will have placed the cerclage or we will have preformed an emergency Cesarean section. We won't know until we are in there, how it will go."

I just wanted to run, to forget about those days. But, my mind had other plans. The tears of course came spilling out as I rounded the corner next to the lake. So I sat down there next to the lake, not a single person for miles and cried with my ghosts.

Hopefully I lost some of those damn ghost on that trail by the lake. I won't be surprised if they show up again though as they don't hide from me as much as they used to.

1 comment:

  1. (((hugs))) I hope you did lose some of them on the trail. I think this is one of those things that will never leave us, just the frequency with which they appear lessens. I've been reliving my three weeks and my c-section as well these last few weeks. It sucks. :-/