Saturday, September 7, 2013

Excuse Me? I think I lost myself.

good #quote

The title sounds dramatic.  I don't really think it is that dramatic and I think that it is pretty common among mothers.  One day you look around, and you scratch you head (which is in a messy bun, with bits of food remnants in it) and wonder who the heck am I?

This is a recent conversation I had with my significant other.

"I think I am having a mid-life crisis."
"I think I am having a mid-life crisis, at least with how I look.  I look dreadful."
"Okay, well..." long pause here.
"Have you looked at any pictures lately.  Because I hate them, I look awful.  I look like I just woke up and rolled out of bed.  My face looks splotchy.  My clothes always look disheveled and tired."
"Well, honestly we don't have much time, and most of the time we do just wake up deal with the kids and then go.  I don't think that we really do put much time into ourselves."
Big sigh from me, "Yeah, you are right."  Crisis over.

It is just slow and steady, but continual slide into parenthood.  In my experiences with each pregnancy you don't really feel human again until the child is over a year old.  So after a year of being pregnant, then a year of doing nothing but being up all night and having a little munchkin stuck to you all the time you are two year into and in my case I then got pregnant and did it again.  Now four year out, done with being pregnant but deep still in diapers and screaming kids I look around and feel just a little bit lost.

My old self, who could go get her hair done at least every couple of months and actually did her hair daily is long gone.  I have had my hair cut once in the last 12 months.  Typically I have time to do my hair once a week but that is with at least one child in the bathroom with me.  Shopping for clothes is either done on-line or at Target when I am getting diapers, and neither very often.

It goes further than superficial things though.  I couldn't sleep the other night so I thought that I would make a bucket list in my head.  Things I wanted to do in my lifetime.  I couldn't come up with much.  I wanted to go skiing again.  Travel to Australia. Then I was pretty much blank.  I honestly wanted to get more sleep and have some quiet time.  Maybe have an organized desk. Not exactly bucket list items, sleep and quiet time.  The dreamer part of me, is definitely been taking a little time off (she may be buried under the pile of laundry that is sitting next to the dryer).

I am not hopeless though.  I know this is a stage or a period of life. It will be gone before I know it.  My girls won't need me to do everything for them forever.  I will learn how to fit a little more self care in there.  I will slowly remember what I want on a bucket list.  I may look tired for the next decade, hell for a long time but, hopefully we will all just remain happy and healthy.

All the same, if you see my weary old lost self in Target trying to find something remotely stylish to wear (that doesn't have to be ironed), give me a smile and a wave.  Heck, maybe even lie and tell me I look good.  We could all use a little encouragement in this journey.

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