Due date, four years later.

I remember how hard and painful it was the first year when Kate's due date came.  Such a hard emotion to even describe.  We had just completed one of the most difficult times of our lives.  We were home with a newborn.  Finally together after months of being apart.  How could you be disappointed when you finally reached the finish line?  Well, it was pretty easy.  Good outcomes make the horrible easier to swallow but, it doesn't change everything.

This summer somebody asked me if we were 'over' everything that happened in the NICU?  One of those questions, you politely smile at though in my head I am thinking, really did you just ask me that?  Its like asking somebody if they were 'over' losing a loved one, or 'over' that nearly fatal car accident they were in a few years ago.   You don't get 'over' these type of life milestones.  You move on, but you don't get over them.

We have moved on.  I don't think about it all the time.  The flash backs, panics, and tears are pretty bottled up now a days.  I don't adjust her age anymore.  I really don't think of her being a preemie, all that much.  But, I don't forget.  It is all still there.  But, more than that I think that now it is part of who we are.

We have changed.  The experienced has changed us.  You can't separate us out as much, and with that has come more peace.  More acceptance of our path.

Today I still remember that this was the day I was supposed to have my fall baby.  I still wonder how things might have been different.  I don't cry about it though, because we are right were we are suppose to be.

Due date 9/2009