Sister Love or not so much....

The other morning little T had a bad case of the 'Mondays'.  She didn't want to do much of anything to get ready to go to day-care.  In the world of a 19 month old this means a lot of crying, whining and falling on the ground like a dead fish.  Out of no where, K decided to start singing twinkle-twinkle little star.  This is T's favorite song (or at least top ten), then the sisters walked hand in hand got their shoes and headed out the door happy.  They even held hands to the car.

Alert the media!  Take a front page in the newspaper!  These girls can actually like each other and act like helpful sisters.

Unfortunately though, that afternoon they were back to their normal selves.  I never realized until now how children bickering with each other can slowly drive you to insanity.  "She is looking at me!!!!", "Ahhh, Ohh, Uhhh"  "Taylor just pushed me (or insert, pinch, hit, smacked)!"  And on and on it goes.

I have nothing profound to say about it, I think that I have lost some brain cells to bickering.

Due date, four years later.

I remember how hard and painful it was the first year when Kate's due date came.  Such a hard emotion to even describe.  We had just completed one of the most difficult times of our lives.  We were home with a newborn.  Finally together after months of being apart.  How could you be disappointed when you finally reached the finish line?  Well, it was pretty easy.  Good outcomes make the horrible easier to swallow but, it doesn't change everything.

This summer somebody asked me if we were 'over' everything that happened in the NICU?  One of those questions, you politely smile at though in my head I am thinking, really did you just ask me that?  Its like asking somebody if they were 'over' losing a loved one, or 'over' that nearly fatal car accident they were in a few years ago.   You don't get 'over' these type of life milestones.  You move on, but you don't get over them.

We have moved on.  I don't think about it all the time.  The flash backs, panics, and tears are pretty bottled up now a days.  I don't adjust her age anymore.  I really don't think of her being a preemie, all that much.  But, I don't forget.  It is all still there.  But, more than that I think that now it is part of who we are.

We have changed.  The experienced has changed us.  You can't separate us out as much, and with that has come more peace.  More acceptance of our path.

Today I still remember that this was the day I was supposed to have my fall baby.  I still wonder how things might have been different.  I don't cry about it though, because we are right were we are suppose to be.

Due date 9/2009

Excuse Me? I think I lost myself.

The title sounds dramatic.  I don't really think it is that dramatic and I think that it is pretty common among mothers.  One day you look around, and you scratch you head (which is in a messy bun, with bits of food remnants in it) and wonder who the heck am I?

This is a recent conversation I had with my significant other.

"I think I am having a mid-life crisis."
"What?"
"I think I am having a mid-life crisis, at least with how I look.  I look dreadful."
"Okay, well..." long pause here.
"Have you looked at any pictures lately.  Because I hate them, I look awful.  I look like I just woke up and rolled out of bed.  My face looks splotchy.  My clothes always look disheveled and tired."
"Well, honestly we don't have much time, and most of the time we do just wake up deal with the kids and then go.  I don't think that we really do put much time into ourselves."
Big sigh from me, "Yeah, you are right."  Crisis over.

It is just slow and steady, but continual slide into parenthood.  In my experiences with each pregnancy you don't really feel human again until the child is over a year old.  So after a year of being pregnant, then a year of doing nothing but being up all night and having a little munchkin stuck to you all the time you are two year into and in my case I then got pregnant and did it again.  Now four year out, done with being pregnant but deep still in diapers and screaming kids I look around and feel just a little bit lost.

My old self, who could go get her hair done at least every couple of months and actually did her hair daily is long gone.  I have had my hair cut once in the last 12 months.  Typically I have time to do my hair once a week but that is with at least one child in the bathroom with me.  Shopping for clothes is either done on-line or at Target when I am getting diapers, and neither very often.

It goes further than superficial things though.  I couldn't sleep the other night so I thought that I would make a bucket list in my head.  Things I wanted to do in my lifetime.  I couldn't come up with much.  I wanted to go skiing again.  Travel to Australia. Then I was pretty much blank.  I honestly wanted to get more sleep and have some quiet time.  Maybe have an organized desk. Not exactly bucket list items, sleep and quiet time.  The dreamer part of me, is definitely been taking a little time off (she may be buried under the pile of laundry that is sitting next to the dryer).

I am not hopeless though.  I know this is a stage or a period of life. It will be gone before I know it.  My girls won't need me to do everything for them forever.  I will learn how to fit a little more self care in there.  I will slowly remember what I want on a bucket list.  I may look tired for the next decade, hell for a long time but, hopefully we will all just remain happy and healthy.

All the same, if you see my weary old lost self in Target trying to find something remotely stylish to wear (that doesn't have to be ironed), give me a smile and a wave.  Heck, maybe even lie and tell me I look good.  We could all use a little encouragement in this journey.

Good Bye Summer, Hello Crazy Pants.

It has been a great summer.  Absolutely fantastic really, though I have to say my standards are low.  For about as many summers as I can remember I have been pregnant, breast feeding, NICU staying, or pregnant again.  This was the first summer in four years that I dug out all my summer clothes and was actually able to fit into all of them.

I also decided that just because I could fit into shorts from five years ago, maybe I shouldn't wear them out in public.  I actually had a few pairs from when I was 18, so nearly twenty years old.  They fit and not in a horrible way but, you know I just don't need to wear those anymore.

We had a garage sale, and now I feel like I could have another garage sale as I am addicted to getting rid of baby things and clearing space.  I don't miss anything that we got rid of.  I was exhausted though, and thus I will wait till next year.

We actually started and completed some house projects (crown molding, paint, stair remodel).  Anyone that has young children knows what a miracle this.  I feel like our yard was not completely neglected this year either.

And I transitioned the girls into full time 'school' or day-care.  This was major and we made it.  I now have both girls not sleeping in our room (I wouldn't say Taylor is a great sleeper yet, but better).  They are both doing well, it is not perfect.  I still worry (I always will) but I feel comfortable with what I have found for them.  I really pray that I don't have to change things for awhile for them.

Now the brag will end, because I always keep it real.  There is tons we didn't get to.  We were going to go camping.  There was much more on our project list that is still not done.  I didn't compete in as many races as I wanted.  I wish we had a few more 'fun times', and less run around time.    And if I ever have these kids figured out, well I'll probably will be in the old folks home.

Life is such a work in progress.  Sometimes I have to just stop and celebrate the ending of a beautiful season, and the little things we were able to enjoy and accomplish.  And even though we say good-bye to summer, really September is so nice around here I vow to fit in a few more fun times including hanging out with the little Ms. Crazy Pants and  Sassy Sister.