When Kids are Mean.

I heard that 3 year olds are about pushing physical boundaries, and that four year olds are about pushing emotional boundaries.  I never really thought about how you have to learn to control your emotions, and learn that your words can hurt others.  Self awareness.  I also never really thought about how these fun loving, cuddly toddlers will eventually turn on you and learn to say hurtful things.

I should have known.  I was and am a daughter.  I am still learning all the time, how to control my emotions and also how to say the right thing (especially when angry).  To be honest communicating, especially with those you love, is a lifelong battle that you will always struggle with.  I also know that I practicularly do not always say the nicest things to my mother.  I love her dearly but, I am sure I don't show it with my words.

My surprise probably comes more at how much it hurts when my daughter tells me something is boring that I have worked hard on.  Or the frustration at my inability to get my point across, or have her change her behavior.  And how much I just don't want to be with her when she is grouchy and mean.  The separation and development of their own personalities is something that I will need to brace and work on for years.

Just one more of the many things I am learning by being a 'mom'.

2nd Child Guilt

I was surprised when I had my 2nd child how fast my heart could grow and make room for another child.  I didn't think that it was possible to love my second as much as my first.  Of course I was wrong.  I love number two just as much as number 1.

The only problem is, I can't do and create the same experiences I did for first child.  Your first child is like your first love.  A first that is so special and new, and all consuming that it just can't be repeated.  With my first I was able to make sure we followed a perfect bedtime routine, that included three books every night and every morning.  She was in bed on time, and had her meals exactly when she needed them.  We had figured it out together, and it was such a neat little package of family.

I can't do that with the second.  I don't have the time.  I have the first child demanding things that takes away from the second child and visa versa.  I try to mix their schedules, but I can't make it perfect for each.  I do the best I can, it is easy to love them but hard to be there for each of them when they need me.   I feel guilty.

I worry that each child is suffering because of it.  Sometimes I think that I need things to worry about.  I just hope that the love I feel and try to express is enough, and will make up for the fewer books and less than perfect routine the second child has.  Eventually maybe when they are both a little older too, maybe their routines will match up a little better.

Addendum:  Not sure if people even use that word in 'regular writing' but in my medical records if something happens after I have written the record I will add an addendum.  Anyhow, I was thinking more about this after I published this original post.

I realized that I wasn't thinking of some of the positives.   And the biggest bonus of being the 2nd child is that your parents are already trained.  We are so much more relaxed and fun.  Plus you have your big sister to play with and entertain you. Not to mention all the great toys that are all over the place. I have no idea how Kate was ever entertained, probably why she is such a reader (that was the only thing to do with us).  And we are so much more adventurous now, and willing to let the girls try different things.  When you aren't so worried and inexperienced, you can sit back and enjoy the ride a little more.

Of course, what I really hope still is that they have a lifetime friend in each other too.

Summer Sabbatical

 I took a month off.  I wish I could say I took a month off from work, responsibilities, running, and went to stay by the ocean.  No I just took a month off from blogging.  I have been at it for four years, and with everything else on my plate I decided to just take a month off and come back fresh in August.  

 So we had to just buckle down and have fun.   Family visits, cars to wash, beaches to visits, playing at the sprinkler park, using the kiddie pool and slide out back, eating berries and sundaes, smiles, sun burns and occasionally a little napping too.

I am proud to say that we have no children sleeping in our closet anymore.  Both girls are currently sleeping through the night and the overall drama that had plagued us for awhile has subsided.  We actually are the most rested we have been in over a year and half.  Its not all sprinkles, rainbows and unicorns around here but for now we have come to a little more peaceful place.

Everyone and maybe everything needs a break from time to time.  A rest, and regrouping are needed for blogs and families too.  It is easy to get so busy and do things because you 'have' to or you 'always' have.  Stepping back and making sure that it is something that you want to do is important.  And though this blog may only be important to myself it is something that I enjoy and want to keep doing.  A little digital journal of our family, strengths and weakness.  And with a break and some sleep, I will keep on typing.