On the Verge...

Life has gotten a little bit better here.  At least that is what I am saying over and over, and over again.  I get the feeling, and maybe it is just hopeful thinking, that we are on the verge of some pretty big changes around here.  And that to get there we have to be really frustrated for a period of time.  You know what I am talking about?  That period of time when you just feel like something has to give, and then it does and you are in a new stage of life.

Little T ended up having an urinary tract infection, which we are treating and has greatly improved her sleeping at least.  Her attitude well that is only a little better.  She still feels that the best place for herself is next to me or in my arms.  She will knee walk and crawl really fast but still won't attempt to walk much solo.  And eating is still mostly for decorating with or playing.  And communication is mostly yelling or screaming.

Big K has been doing great lately, though I know when I have to change her childcare and possibly her school here in a few weeks that may all change.  We have also decided to be very afraid of the noise that running water makes.  She screams and acts as if she is being attacked by flesh eating wasps.  Just in time for summer, this water sound phobia can occur when you turn on a bath, the faucet to wash you hands, and also gardening hoses.

I am doing better than last week.  To be honest it would be hard to get much lower.  I still in general feel very burned out on all fronts.  My job has been frustratingly slow, and unchanging.  I spend my free time doing childcare interviews and searches, feeling frustrated that I just did this and obviously didn't do a very good job last time.  Looking for childcare always makes me feel inadequate anyway, working mother guilt at its best.  Then when your job isn't going stellar, it makes it all the harder to feel alright about leaving your children with somebody else during the day.  K is at the age where she tells me repeatedly that she wishes I stayed with her all the time, and that she misses me when I am gone.  Its sweet, but combine that with an baby who acts sometimes like she is being murdered when I leave a room and you feel a bit drained and overwhelmed.

All the same spring is here, and we have sunny days between rain showers.  I went for a run last night after the girls were in bed, and the flowers are blooming, people are outside enjoying themselves, and it is green everywhere.  After months of running with a headlight, in the cold rain it is a very needed break.  Now if the rest of my life could fall into order I would greatly appreciate it.

Hanging On...

Scratch what I wrote last week.  Wonder weeks are crap.  We are trapped in a month of wonder hell.  I am not sure what is going on, but my once happy baby is a very clingy, cranky toddler.  I want the happy baby back.

 I know that she is teething, getting those back molars in.  I know that she is frustrated because she wants to talk and just can't get those words out.  I know that she is a late walker, and even though she can walk she is  just too cautious to let go and really go for it.  I really do understand all this, but I have to say this is one of the worst stages I have ever gone through with one of the girls.

Little T has always been a very needy, or attached baby.  She has demanded being carried and held so much more than her bigger sister.  At 15 months out, my back and arms are starting to say enough.  Little T is screaming, no, no and no you aren't putting me down.  I can't do anything when I am at home and she is awake.  I have attempted to put her in the ergo and just work on, but that leads to more screaming.  I have tried just letting her scream, but it gets ridiculous and poor K even asks me to pick her up.

She is hardly eating because of her teeth, she just mouths her food, fills her cheeks and then spits it all out on to the table, chair and her outfit.  And then returns to screaming.  She will nurse some of the time and other times it is a similar affair asking, refusing and then screaming.

She also has taken to hitting, grab pinching and of course screaming some more.

Honestly the newborn phase was easier than this.  I had less screaming, and more sleeping when she was a month old than I do lately.  I thought it was wonder week, but now we are on 2 1/2 weeks (who is counting, oh only me, every single second).

I am absolutely tired of being around her.  And then my childcare quit this week.  Which though I am sure this current stage wasn't helping, but her reasons had nothing to do with the girls.  All the same, put it on the pile of  'my life is currently a bit sucky'.  Childcare is a huge stress to me, and I just went through this four months ago.  Apparently a year commitment doesn't mean much to some people.

So, I cried on my way to work today.  I prayed.  I mean I really prayed that this is all part of forward progress of our lives.  Each part of it really isn't that bad, but the cumulative effect and the grind of organizing, cleaning, caring for, picking up after, wiping, scheduling, shuttling, feeding it just absolutely takes me to the edge a bit.  As well, you start to wonder what am I doing wrong?  What can I do to fix this or that?  Could I have prevented this or that?  Why am I so incomptent at all this?

Tomorrow is another day.  Another day to try and face the sun, and pray that maybe we push on to another phase.

Wonder Weeks.

If you haven't heard about 'Wonder Weeks', I am here to tell you they exists and can make your life fairly miserable.  With K I didn't really know about these and though we had periods of time of rocky transitions, I either just thought it was normal or it wasn't that bad.  Little T is a whole other story.

There are periods of time that I just really don't know what to do with this kid.  The clingy, whiny, falling apart if I leave the room dictator.  Not to mention just not sleeping well for over a week.  I will  start to questions everything, is it the food, her teeth, separation anxiety?  And I am sure it at lot of those things, but then I will look up on the wonder weeks graphs.  (http://25.media.tumblr.com/80fadd74a429cb9f3e72b2eeadb5a379/tumblr_mjx4btzCtr1rogvd6o1_500.jpg)  This a chart that list a babies 10 fussy periods, the linked graph is a shorter version it goes past year in other graphs.  But, anyway these wonder weeks are periods of time that your infant may be going through a large amount of development and thus be extra fussy.

Little T most have a copy of this graph in her crib that she consults regularly.  She follows it to the day practically.  I will always be questioning other things, look up the graph and there she will be right in the middle of a stormy week.  And then to the day, she will slowly turn into her normal happy baby self again.  I love it too because it gives me hope when we are in the thick of it, just a few more days left and it should get better.

Of course until the  next wonder week...