Little T's birthday is only a week away. She will officially be 1, and is much more of a toddler than a baby now. This is the second year for me to have my birthday so close to one of my children. It is the first time that I am really conscious of it. When you are 5 days out from a cesarean, and just getting home with a 2 year old running around... lets just say life is a little fuzzy.
I am feeling very old and at the same time I don't want my baby to grow up. I look in the mirror and see time marching right across my face, body and now my hair. One crazy gray hair is next to another longer gray hair and so on. Then pulling on my leg is my little baby, who looks up with a goofy toothy grin.
I have never really felt this way either about myself or my children. Even with how challenging this last year has been, I still want to freeze it for a bit. To just stay in this stage for a while longer. To just be their mom, whom they need and love. My body, face and hair could may go back five years and hold in that time period.
Of course there are other factors that add to this feeling. K is in a Dad stage. Everything is "Papa will do that for me, and Papa and I will do that." Yesterday when we all got ready to go to the children's museum after I worked, she announced "I don't want you to come Mom." followed by "Mom why don't you stay home." Trust me after working all week, then Saturday the thought of staying at home by myself instead of hauling two kids to the children's museum was tempting. Her words though do sting a little.
One of the hidden benefits of babies, though frustrating at times, is that they don't talk. They need, and cry but they can not talk. For me this is a little blissful. K is so expressive. I spent two years feeling like she would never talk, and now of course she is never not talking. And the amount of discipline that goes into toddlers and onward, is really somewhat overwhelming.
I think I just need to pause for awhile. I know I can't freeze time, or stop them from growing up. I can try to just enjoy a Sunday with them as they are right now. And maybe enjoy my 'old' self a bit too.