Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Inner Whiner.

On I go training for the Big Sur Marathon which is May 1st. We just booked our hotel rooms. Looked into toddler activities while we are there. Did some online research into the aquarium, children's museum and family friendly beaches. Unfortunately there is one member of this team that is just not making this easy.

That member is me. To be most specific it is my inner whiner, also referred to as the inner B or Big B. Let me tell you she is a royal pain in the ass. I know I am not the only person that has a Big B, in fact I am pretty sure I have met your inner B and she isn't somebody I like to talk to very often.

The Big B is just whining, complaining, and dragging me down. She has been in over-drive for weeks and I just wish she'd shut up. She has the worse suggestions for me. "No don't go for a run, just sleep. You work hard you deserve the rest." Or she points out the obvious, "You can't run in snow like that you'll fall down and get hurt."

She also has a way of tapping into my worst emotions: guilt, and self doubt. With this training the guilt is horrible. I just have such limited time (another item Big B reminds me of constantly), and to spend hours running means that I am stealing time from another aspect of my life. Combine that with that I really have to do my running during daylight, and that means that the time is stolen from my family. Silly as it may seem, but spending even one hour away from my daughter while she is awake kills me. It kills me at work, but I deal with that all the time and in general I don't have much freedom in not working. My inner B points out all these things over and over. She also paints a picture of my family doing wonderful things without me as I run in the rain.

The self doubt is brand new for both myself and the inner B. I have never doubted my ability to accomplish something as much as I have lately. And unfortunately negativity doesn't just stop in one area of your life, it spreads out and makes itself comfortable in all the corners and nooks you thought were safe. I just keep hearing over and over, "There is no way you can do this!" with the occassional "Are you crazy?".

In the Big B's (and my) defense, there has been some significant complications to the training for this marathon. Typically we may have a day of snow here in the winter, or even no snow. We have had weeks of snow this year, and two weeks ago we got 16 inches in two days. As well the last 23 of 26 days was colder and more wet than has been recorded in 10 years (I listen to talk radio on the commute). I have also been sick for what feels like December until now, with some type of sinus deal that just won't go away.

All this said, we are purchasing our plane tickets this week. Both my physical self and mental self better shape up here, or I am headed for an injury or an embarrassing long walk along the ocean. I am just keep hoping that the inner B will just shut up and go away, and not come back. I want to be my old determined confident self.

Above you'll see a picture of my support team. I didn't get in much running today (big run will be on Sunday), so after Kate's dinner we went for a quick jog before bath. It was great! The sun was setting, Kate was giggling at the silly terrier that was running next to her and even though the run was short it was upbeat. I really hope this is setting the tone for a peaceful amount of training to come.

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