Birthday wishes.

That candle wish, the one little thing or several things that you wish for when you blow those ever growing candles on your cake. Maybe it was for a special present, that special toy that was going to make your world so fun. Later it may have involved a boy, a secret or not so secret crush that you've been thinking about forever (or a week). As I've gotten older, I still have birthday wishes though I've have gotten to the age where I won't allow all the candles to be on top (we've moved to those pre-made numbers).

I know that I am not supposed to tell others what my wishes are, they might not come true then. That is the rumor told to me at my skate party in fourth grade. Still feeling somewhat blue instead of blissful with the coming birthday I am going to have different approach, I am going to send out my wishes to the cyber world. And maybe that will make them come true because keeping them to myself hasn't exactly insured success either.

Here we go then:

Birthday Wish #1: I want my daughter to talk. I know that I will regret this wish later, and I will wonder if she will ever be quiet. But, her speech or lack of has been a worry that I feel that I solely carry around for months and months.

I feel like I do everything to help her out. I read 16 to 20 books a day, at her request of course. I have flashcards and labels on everything. We've done sign language. We dialogue, converse and encourage. Praise when we hear new sounds, or she signs or tries to communicate. Get down to her level, smile when she babbles.

I just want to hear momma, mum, ma or some type of name for me. Its selfish, and silly but I want to hear her call for me and be excited to see me. She'll point to me if asked where mom is, but never do I get to hear those words.

I know all the stories or later speakers (about as good as I know all the preemies that are now the smartest in their class). I know that as with everything, she will when she wants too. But its a birthday wish and that is all that matters.

Birthday Wish #2: I want my life to reflect what I value, and the courage and skill to make that happen. This one is even wackier than that first. This is based on the question if you look at how you spend your time, and asked if this reflects who you are and what you value. Do you spend your time feeling passionate about your life or does the schedule and events of each day just seem to have a life of its own?

This is ridiculous for a birthday wish. A complicated, difficult, closet of my life clean out that seems close to impossible kind of wish. Again its a birthday wish and if it comes true then great, but again there are a few crushes and toys I never got and I am still wishing every year.

Little girls and their things.

I've written about it before, but here I go again. Little girls and their things creep their way into your heart and just settle there like sprinkles on a sugar cookie. Our house that we live in now, is our first home, had a little girl that lived here before us. That first year we lived in the house and re-did the yard and each room I would find signs of little girl everywhere. I found some drawings on the wall in the back bedroom, chalk names on the fireplaces. Lots of sparkley tassels out in the yard, and once I found a princess mirror buried out in my flower bed. I would smile, and wonder how all these things got where they did.

Now I have a little girl. Even though I thought I was having a little boy, and that would be easier. A little girl who runs around on full throttle all day long, babbling to herself, the cats, and the dollies in the stroller. She giggles, she churgles, and she scatters objects all over the house. I will find that our windowsill in our living room has become some type of altar to animal figurines and that our bathroom is an obstacle course books, bows and stuffed animals.

Some days its frustrating, I am trying to get things done and she is getting things undone. I have heart stickers stuck to my work pants, and unfortunately a piece of string cheese has been living under the couch for too long. I often feel like a bomb went off in most of the house, and we are just living in the remnants of explosion. Refugees in a sea of chalk, crayons and anything fuzzy and cute.

In the scramble of it all, once and awhile I just find myself smiling at the fun and joy of it all. In her fun and joy. She was napping, and I was getting started making a casserole and there on the stove is a pink plastic bracelet that Kate has been putting on and off all morning long. I set it there in a hurry in the morning, a totally inappropriate spot by me. But, it made me so happy to find a little girl thing right there in the middle of normal.

A little sprinkle on top.

At least Monkey is having fun.

Its been a long week!

One with long lasting cold, as mentioned above in cupcakes. We had lots of Kleenex and tantrums. I also seemed to get

bad news from multiple friends in regards to everything from minor issues to some pretty tragic news.

On it has rained, and now we have wind. And because of general crudeness of everything and that I really don't want Kate to get another illness much less RSV we are home quarantined again.

It is self imposed so who knows how long we will last.

The good news is that there is still somebody who is having fun in the house.

Monkey!

Let them eat cake!

Today was a long hard day. I found out that the only thing worse than having a horrible head cold, is having one at the same time as your toddler. I just can't even describe day five of the two of us locked in the same house. Keep in mind one of us was refusing to eat anything but gold fish crackers, which has a nice side effect of creating a bipolar mood swings. Nice, cuddly one moment, screaming and thrashing the next. Typically because a sock came off, a breeze came through the house or a minute went by. Meanwhile, I just wanted to drink a cup of tea (or a double vodka) and maybe run my head over with a lawnmower as it would probably hurt a little less than listening to her talking mailbox one more time.

What is one to do?

Well, of course eat cake! Little red velvet cupcakes, which I made last weekend. I used a recipe off allrecipes.com and it was easy and tasty. I didn't like the frosting, but the cake was moist and a beautiful red color. A success in my book.

I wish I could say that little cranky pants and I shared cupcakes on the steps outside and our illness magically disappeared as spring slowly emerge around us. Reality, I counted down the moments until her father came home. I then suffered through a dinner of goldfish crackers followed by a rage that would be best described on "When Animals Attack."

I just pray that tomorrow will be a better day, and if not there are still a few cupcakes left.

Does it get easier?

I get asked this question from other preemie moms all the time. Ironically I asked it about a year ago to more experienced preemie mothers too. I also have asked it to working moms and full time stay at home moms. Typically I ask this question when I felt as if I couldn't keep going. Their answers gave me hope, just enough that I could face one more day in the NICU, or another day pumping, or just a normal working Thursday.

How do I answer the question now? Now that my preemie is 20 months old, is it easier? My answer to the other mothers is "Yes, it absolutely is easier!"

The answer in my head is, 'It easier because I can't imagine it any harder than where you are right now.' I keep that part to myself, no need to add salt to their wounds.

I talk about how wonderful my daughter is, how she is developing at her own pace and that we are so lucky that most of her problems are only minor. I may tell a funny little story about some cute thing she has recently accomplished.

I don't talk about how every victory has cost us weeks of worrying, hours of reading, a sometimes tears of struggling. I don't tell them how I used to tell my husband almost daily that during the first six months of her life that I thought I was broken. Broken to bits and I thought that I would never be put back together.

I do tell them that we all struggle, that the road is hard but it will be worth it the end. Or I answer a simple question that they asked with a relative quick answer that is positive. I post links for the breast pump I like, or the bottles and spoons that we finally got Kate to use, anything that I think might make their lives a little bit easier. I sympathize with the months of worry, and home quarantine. I joke about how getting mail can be the highlight of your day when you are trapped inside for months with your infant.

I don't go on to tell them, that I did mend myself but now that life has eased up I realize that I did lose some pieces of myself in the weeks before her birth as I laided in labor and delivery, and a huge chunk of security and my self confidence is still tucked away in the NICU. And even though life is so much easier, that I still on my bad days think that the other shoe is going to drop. I don't tell because they don't need to know that. It wouldn't help them now.

I don't tell them the dark side of it all, because the other side of this coin is so worth it. The smiles, the giggles, the reading books in her dads lap are worth everything I lost. Hope is so much brighter and better. The hard times are all around they are living the hard part, but if you can hold onto the glimpse of hope I just know that we can all keep going until it really is easier.

FEBRUARY!!! Cupcake of the month.

As I said, January is a thing of the past and good riddance. As if the weather gods read my blog, the first two days of February though bitter cold had beautiful sun and I made sure to bundle us up and out we've gone. Sun and blue sky even with layers and layers of clothing on will soothe the soul any day.

This month also marks a year of my blog, and some 80 post done with close to 5000 hits. Not to shabby for a working mom that a year and half ago didn't know how to load the digital pictures to computer. Hopefully I will just have more and more fun with it. In general my blog is just a outlet for me, something to enjoy without an agenda or priority. All the same I wouldn't mind making it better and better and providing some entertainment to all those bloggers and blog readers out there. Not to mention maybe a few more followers to my madness.

With all this in mind I am continuing on with something I have done in the past, and I can't guarantee I will do one every month (that is might be too much for this blogger to handle) but I introduce the CUPCAKE OF THE MONTH! I have never made red velvet cake so I am going to experiment a bit with it before I post the recipe I like the best. I am going with a plain cream cheese frosting. Keep checking back and I will keep you posted on the cupcake progress.