Wednesday, June 13, 2012

3 year exhaustion.

Recently I have written a few post and then just left them as drafts.  Nothing that I have written seems very good lately.  Either it just seems off, or not expressing what I want to say.  Events keep happening, and I want to write but I just don't seem to get around to it, or into the draft column it goes.

I have gotten a bit blue every year around Kate's birthday, and I hate it about myself.  I am so lucky, I just want to have electro-shock therapy so that I don't have those emotions around her birthday.  Really I feel a lot better about it than I ever have.  I don't really think that its the reason I am dragging.

I think I am just exhausted.

Of course I have the normal new mom exhaustion.  Combined with the working mom exhaustion.  Sitting right on top of the mother of a toddler and a baby exhaustion.

But this is something a bit more.  I don't think it is depression, though I am sure those post partum hormones play a role in there.  When I look back on the last three years, even though we have been so blessed and had basically back to back miracles but, you know what it has been emotionally and physically exhausting.

I had four hospitalizations.  I had so many doctors appointments between myself and Kate that it is unreal.  I have been pumping or breast feeding for 19 or the last 36 months.  I have ridden every possible emotion and had worries, doubts and anxiety over everything.

Not to mention all the financial cost.  The impact this has had on my career, and friendships.  And lastly the effect on my body.

I sit and take care of the beautiful outcomes.  I know that is what really matters.  It was all worth it.  And I know eventually we will look back and that will be all that matters.  I might remember some of the unpleasant events but, the emotions will be overlooked.

For now though all I can describe is that I feel blah, and a little used up.  I also don't know where we are going now.  You live through a few years of major medical and life planning issues and then you are left thinking, now what?  Now are we just normal?  Or is the other shoe going to drop on us?  What will be the next issue?

I think I am just exhausted.

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