Toddler verses Baby.

 I told Ed the other night, that I think they make toddlers so terrible so that you fall in love with your baby.  I mean when you are pregnant with your second child, I think it is a natural feeling to think it is impossible to love another child as much as you love your first.  Well, you just don't know what your first is going to put you through.

This is the face I had on my day off before 9 am in the morning.  One only knows what I had asked her to do.  Something super evil, like lets go upstairs.  Or maybe I was being down right horrible and not letting her play with the large stick next to her sisters head or Dad's expensive camera.


Now don't get me wrong.  There are some benefits to the toddler, she is amazingly wickedly funny and though somewhat confused, whiny and manipulative at the same time.   Our 3 year old can be crazy loving as well, unfortunately sometimes that loving comes with a horrible case of the 'I don't want to share any aspect of you'.  She has a constant wonder in everything, and can run to you with pure excitement over a small weed in the yard.  And the verbal skills are insane, changing every day at the speed of light.


The baby on the other hand really can only smile at the sight or even smell of mom.  The baby screams and can not come close to telling you what they need.  Luckily they only need a handful of things.  I do also enjoy the milk only diet for the baby, because our toddler (all 25 lbs of her) is still a major pain in the a-- when it comes to eating.   The toddler though, does have a sleep schedule and doesn't require a midnight (3am, 5 am, 8 am, and so on)  feeding provided only by mom.

These two crazy girls are keeping me so busy and confused.  They really sometimes look like the two headed monster above.  One seems to need me nonstop and the other seems to want to push me away and then drag me back constantly.  Though lil sis is in total awe of big sis, the feeling is still not reciprocated.  And the schedule for daily life, well that is just a joke still.  Growing up is hard, and I have to say neither baby or toddler wins the award for being really easy.

I still keep holding out hope that we are going to move into some easier (and sunnier) days.  Regardless, I know that these two are going to keep it interesting.

3 year exhaustion.

Recently I have written a few post and then just left them as drafts.  Nothing that I have written seems very good lately.  Either it just seems off, or not expressing what I want to say.  Events keep happening, and I want to write but I just don't seem to get around to it, or into the draft column it goes.

I have gotten a bit blue every year around Kate's birthday, and I hate it about myself.  I am so lucky, I just want to have electro-shock therapy so that I don't have those emotions around her birthday.  Really I feel a lot better about it than I ever have.  I don't really think that its the reason I am dragging.

I think I am just exhausted.

Of course I have the normal new mom exhaustion.  Combined with the working mom exhaustion.  Sitting right on top of the mother of a toddler and a baby exhaustion.

But this is something a bit more.  I don't think it is depression, though I am sure those post partum hormones play a role in there.  When I look back on the last three years, even though we have been so blessed and had basically back to back miracles but, you know what it has been emotionally and physically exhausting.

I had four hospitalizations.  I had so many doctors appointments between myself and Kate that it is unreal.  I have been pumping or breast feeding for 19 or the last 36 months.  I have ridden every possible emotion and had worries, doubts and anxiety over everything.

Not to mention all the financial cost.  The impact this has had on my career, and friendships.  And lastly the effect on my body.

I sit and take care of the beautiful outcomes.  I know that is what really matters.  It was all worth it.  And I know eventually we will look back and that will be all that matters.  I might remember some of the unpleasant events but, the emotions will be overlooked.

For now though all I can describe is that I feel blah, and a little used up.  I also don't know where we are going now.  You live through a few years of major medical and life planning issues and then you are left thinking, now what?  Now are we just normal?  Or is the other shoe going to drop on us?  What will be the next issue?

I think I am just exhausted.

Summer Bucket List

PLAY OUTSIDE as much as possible.  Eat lots of fresh fruit and veggies!!  GO 2 ZOO. Take a nap in the hammock.  Have a family PINIC.  Eat homemade popsicles.  Make a bubble dispensing jar and have a BUBBLE PARTY.

Celebrate 3!!!  Camp in the back yard.  Go to farmers market.  SIDEWALK Chalk.  Go to sounders game.  Pick STRAWBERRIES and make jam.  GIGGLE, GIGGLE!

Go to a garage sale.  Plant seeds. 

SNUGGLE and CUDDLE Stay in a new place as a family. Bike ride

Look at clouds. Build a sandcastle. Swim in a lake. Taylor tries FOOD.

Sprinkler park fun. Go to the fair. HAMMOCK.  Montana golf.  Friends over for dessert.

Try something new.  Clothes shopping. Enjoy ourselves

Garden&garden more.  Go to the beach.  Fly a kite.  Make smores.  Paint a picture outside.  Learn to roll over and sit up. Run in a race.  SMILE.  Have a camp fire.  BBQ and Smoke meat.  Learn a new game.  Play in sandbox.  Go 2 Sakumas.  Celebrate some weddings.  Get ready for fall.