Control, Cats and Cervical Length.

Control, cats and cervical length. Yes, that is all in a week for us around this zoo. It is already to the point of a bit hysterical. Well, you can laugh or cry and this week I am just laughing.

First the cat. More specific my cat, Ragu. Seen in the picture taken a few weeks ago when I found him in Kate's crib (we keep the door closed when she is in there). He has been with me since I was a junior in college. My first pet on my own, adopted from a local shelter. He has survived several apartments, roommates, my undergraduate studies, my veterinary studies and from dating to marriage. He is a constant garden companion and currently curled up next to me.

He is old, 17 years old in fact. And up until the last year or so looking like a 5 year old. I knew better though, and have been following his blood work since he was 12 years old. He has a very common condition in older cats called chronic renal failure. I have done everything that I prescribed for my other patients. If the diagnosis is early it is a slow gradual disease. Unfortunately he has recently take a turn for the worse. Not eating, hiding in the garden with flies all over him not really responding.

I've pulled him through it right now, but I don't know how much longer he has. I have this conversation with pet owners every week. How will you know when it is time? This conversation is much harder when I am the pet owner and nobody is there to have the conversation with me. Much harder when it is my friend and constant companion.

Obviously though, much of his situation is out of my control.

Between this fun, of course there is the constant monitoring of cervical length. I almost can not even bring myself to talk about it anymore. Last weeks measurement was a little bit less than the week before. The doctor said it was fine. This throws me into a five day panic, in true chicken little style ("The sky is falling!!! The sky is falling!!!). Fast forward to Monday and I go in on emergency basis because I feel different pelvic pressure. Three ultrasounds later, to determine I have not shortened anymore (I am at 3.9 -4.0 cm), but have I do have a partial placental previa.

To say its complicated is an understatement. Multiple doctors, multiple ultrasounds and lots of questions and not many answers. Some say cerclage and move on. Others say do nothing. For now we are waiting and checking in another week.

Again I realize and repeat often, that this is out of my control. That doesn't mean that I don't do anything, but it means that I can't worry myself silly, I can't solve this. No matter how much control I try to bring to the situation with anxiety, fear and detailed questions in the end my body is more in control than I am.

These are hard lessons to work on. I know I will be working on them for the rest of my life. What my daughter wants to choose as her college major-- out of my control. When family members have health problems or even pass away-- out of my control. When natural disaster strike-- out of my control.

The only thing I can control is how I react to these situations. And for now chicken little is not helping (she didn't help in the original story much either). I am not void of emotion, I am pregnant still but for me I really have to take it each day as it comes. I don't know what the next day will bring (hmm, also out of my control), so for now I think I will pet an old friend with my feet up and just keep trying to enjoy today.

Hard Days.

Some days are just a lot harder for me than others. Not surprising the days and days prior to my next doctors appointment (now I go every 2 weeks) are particularly hard. I try hard not to think about it, but it is like a weight on my shoulders at all times.

I think that all pregnant women are a bit apprehensive prior to going to the doctor, my feelings are long past apprehensive. Its such a personal and vulnerable type of examination too. Over the course of my first pregnancy, follow-up issues and then this pregnancy, I really can't count how many cervical ultrasounds I have had. I try to relax. I understand the need for diagnostic tools. I know it will be over quickly.

I still hate them. I don't want to have it done and my childish inner voice doesn't want to know what length I am at. Unfortunately nobody even has to say anything because it is up on a big screen for everyone to see. I know now what it should look like, and unfortunately I can't seem to forget what it looked like when everything went wrong.

I know I am blessed, and lucky to even be pregnant. I know that positive thinking and relaxing breathes are not just needed but are required for this pregnancy. I really am trying my best, with all the changes, restrictions and precautions.

Unfortunately some days are just really hard. I just struggle from start to finish to keep my head up and not let the panic, memories and worry to fill me up.

Our Saturday Kid Free!

We needed a belated Happy Aniversary Weekend and so we headed out to enjoy a night away. Only our 2nd time ever away from the little K. Thus it was long over-due. Being that I am pregnant and not allowed to travel this time (yes, that is right not allowed and not wanting to travel at all). We needed to stay in a relative close driving distance.

It was off to Coupeville, WA for us. This is in the middle of Whidbey Island, and what I think is really a hidden gem in the Pacific Northwest. The island particularly the southern part of the island is very scenic and rural. The island which can be reached by a very large and scenic bridge (Deception Pass), is known for its large Naval Base and also the home of previous military bases (Fort Casey).

The above lighthouse is at Fort Casey, and is called the Admiral's Lighthouse. Preserved for historic significance now and not working. We stayed at the Fort Casey Inn, which is the old officers houses (old as in 1900's). They were very fun to stay in and just imagine the officers families that had stayed there in the 1900's.
The views and walks on the Pacific are always relaxing and rejuvanting. As well it was a 80 degree day, which is a tropical heat wave for us this summer We also went out to an incredible dinner, at a adult only type restaurant.

I love my daughter but, boy is it nice to have a little adult time too. Just to not ask somebody if they are poopy for a day, and only feed yourself. Awe, I could go back already.

The Big News.

Mt. Rainer- last weekend.

Well, obviously with the previous post I made it known that we are expecting our number 2. Excited, overwhelmed, scared, happy, and then sprinkle absolute panic in there and that my friends is just before I get up in the morning. I knew letting everyone know would be a bit of a challenge for me, because it makes it even more real. Plus, I kind of like being private.

Let me rephrase that, because obviously I type my thoughts to the world on a regular basis. I like to keep my fears private. I like to keep my possible failures to myself. Perfectionist don't like when other people get to see them sweat or see their weaknesses. We over prepare. We plan ahead. We arrive before others and make sure we have a handle on the situation. We don't like surprises.

That was the old me (I will continue to repeat this to myself until its a reality). I am trying to ditch that perfectionist schtick. I've done it for long enough, its exhausting at best. Life is messy, unpredictable and so not perfect. Let everyone experience all the parts of me, even those they don't like. Because put a big dose of 'people-pleaser' on my old me pile, I am tired of doing that to.

We are having a another baby. It is going to be a messy, emotional adventure. I am not ready, or prepared. I have minimal control on the whole thing. We are going to do this as a family, with the help of our friends. Hold on for the ride.

Wordless Wednesday.